Learning the unforced rhythms of grace

Weddings

2010-05-02T23:36:00.006-05:00

I haven't seen my ENTIRE family since Christmas (or longer for some), so coming into this weekend I was little nervous. Their lives have changed and so has mine. Will we all still mesh well? Will it be awkward? Will I have to answer tons of questions or speculate whether Haiti will ever recover?

My cousin, Amanda, married funny guy, Kevin, yesterday. And it was such a blessing to see everybody in one place, at one time, to celebrate one life-changing event. It reminded me just how important family is, and how, even when miles and earthquakes and time separate us, some parts of life stay the same. The love never changes, just the circumstances surrounding it.

2010-03-28T10:14:00.007-06:00

Cranium Kids: employer.
Mesquite, TX: current location.
It's complicated: relationship status.
Mexican: comfort food.
No idea: future plans.

I wake up each morning with a new, crazy idea in my head. At least I think it's new, until I get out of bed, get ready for work and realize "Viv, you thought this exact same thing yesterday... what is wrong with you?"

My new job is awesome. Teaching 2-5 yr. olds how to use computers doesn't sound very enjoyable, but it is. "Ms. Vivee, your shoes are very nice." "Ms. Vivee, my clicker finger hurts, can I borrow yours?" "I don't feel like saying vocabulary today, Ms. Vivee, can we just skip to the game?" The kids I work with are so adorable and innocent. None of them know, or could understand, about my experience 2+ months ago. It is my escape each day, and I get paid for it... what could be better?

Moving back home has been an adjustment for everyone involved. Especially with no car. My parents have been super supportive and understanding and have given me space (and the use of their cars). However, because I overachieved and didn't like my alma mater until my last semester and graduated a year early, none of my closest friends are home. So I'm alone. At least I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do when I get off work!

I wanted to write "my emotional stability has increased in the past four months" but that isn't true: I have no stability, besides my job. I no longer have total security in my faith or beliefs. Things I saw, and things I had to do, in that soccer field the night of the earthquake have changed me in ways I cannot explain to myself or anyone else. I'm struggling and taking it out on people I love, which is what always happens right?

Applications for Physician Assistant school open in the middle of April, so that's my plan for now. Don't know where I'm applying but hopefully I can figure that out within the next month or so. I am employed in the DFW area until August, so I will be here until then. After that, who knows...

Transitions

2010-02-23T15:31:00.009-06:00

The earthquake changed millions of people's lives. Drastically. Hundreds of thousands lost their lives and many will never have the proper burial and their families may never get closure. Homes lost. Limbs lost. Old lives and ways of life are gone.

What I am going through is so minuscule compared to the Haitian people. Yes, I have no idea where God wants me or what He wants me to do, and I'm grieving: for everything I have seen; things I had to do the night of the earthquake and the days and weeks following; for the Haitian people who lost everything in that fraction of time... but I had the opportunity to get out of the chaos and come home to a different brand of crazy.

I knew that no one here would understand. Their lives weren't changed at all. Maybe their hearts were softened for Haitians and they donated money or goods, and maybe even went down and helped for a few weeks. I wasn't expecting people to empathize, which made the move a little easier. If you have low expectations you will rarely be disappointed! But I was totally embraced by my Texas support system. Very few people expected me to be pre-quake Vivien. Most people knew I was dealing with emotions and feelings and thoughts I had never dealt with before, and gave me the space I needed.

Transparency is an important part of community. I have never felt comfortable sharing my pain and sorrows and heartache with the church I grew up at. Too many people have witnessed me deal with pain and have thought "she is dealing so well." I have dealt with grief and extreme/intense pain before, but nothing like this. On Sunday night, while speaking at my church, I was overcome with the need to tell them that I was broken. That I was going to be completely honest and open with them about my experiences in Haiti, and that probably would make them uncomfortable. Total, brutal honesty is not a common thing in church... which seems ironic to me. Church should be the place where we are most open and broken in front of people. So I was. And the outpouring of prayers, tears and support from everyone in the sanctuary was overwhelming. They even cancelled the business meeting, which might have been the first time in Baptist history.

God is using this time and my experiences to teach me about openness and complete reliance on Him, even though I thought I had been that way before the earthquake. I wish I knew where I would be a year from now, or even next week, but I am learning to accept that I have absolutely no control and that Someone who loves, and cares about, me more than anyone else is in total control.

Two weeks

2010-01-25T21:35:00.005-06:00

It is weird thinking back 13 days to pre-earthquake time... I was unpacking my bags from Christmas break in Texas, playing soccer inside with Isaac and Hope and Noah, watching Batman movies and answering tons of questions in the middle... life has completely changed. And I'm not injured or homeless or wondering where my next meal is coming from. Life in Haiti was full of difficulties and challenges and sadness and sorrow and hope before January 12, but now it seems there is more hope than ever before.

So many miracles, and signs that God is here, are happening at the Heartline clinic, and there are so many other clinics operating around the country... hope is alive here. And it's growing.

Haiti will be restored one day, hopefully better and more stable than before. I have no idea when it will happen. Some people are saying years from now, others give no timeline at all. I do know that Haitians are resilient and have a much greater sense of daily thankfulness to God than I do. Maybe that's why I was sent here to be part of this... to learn to be thankful to Him in everything. In the ups and downs, not just the ups.

I am thankful to be in Haiti today, to experience this life-changing event and thankful to know God is changing me through this. I am thankful for a place to come home to every night and to have people here who are all experiencing the same things as I am. I am thankful for supportive family and friends in the states. Most of all I am thankful for a Savior who never gives up on me or anyone, who saves the wretched, weak sinners and turns us into new creations made for His work on earth. I am thankful to be a woman in the kingdom of God.

Shaky

2010-01-14T08:46:00.002-06:00

Blessed is the understatement of my life right now.

The last major aftershock happened at 2ish this morning. It was massive. But we are still here.

Worked at a clinic the night of the quake and the day after. Can't tell you what I saw or how many people I sutured up.

Please continue praying for those still trapped, those suffering with wounds (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and those who lost loved ones. Also pray for supplies and those trying help.

We can feel your prayers and are very thankful for them. If you want to donate somehow or help in some way, please go to worldwidevillage.org or heartlineministries.org or the red cross. We need diesel, water, food and medicine (like Lidocaine, Tylenol, NSAIDS, etc) and medical supplies (gauze, tape, hydrogen peroxide, betadine, suturing equipment/tools).

I am saved by grace through faith...

From afar

2009-12-28T16:52:00.003-06:00

I returned to Dallas last Monday and haven't stopped whirling. Until right now, a week later. Only two weeks left then back to Haiti and the kids I miss sooo much!

Within this first week, I got to enjoy meeting new family and had some official Mema's cinnamon rolls. Received games to bring back to Port and a new scarf... which obviously isn't needed where I live.

Got to see a friend from London and my Marine friend back from a second tour in Iraq/Afghanistan. It was weird: all three of us overseas in such different situations. Cool and good, but weird.

My oldest brother lives at home again, so it has been a fantastic people-watching exercise in my own living room.

I have only had to bite my tongue about 400 times to keep from screaming 'YOU ARE SHALLOW' and 'GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN YOUR VERSION OF HIM'. Four hundred isn't too bad for my town, so I'm counting my blessings.

I saw snow on Christmas Eve and had to wear a sweater to my grandparents' house on Christmas day... a first for me on both accounts. I'm missing my hot weather home.

You're a $%##%*&ary?

2009-12-13T19:33:00.003-06:00

I had a Haitian adventure on Saturday.

Corrie and I got into a car with a guy we knew a little bit and a guy we didn't know at all. We told them we just wanted to escape Tabarre for awhile and see different parts of the city. We were gone all day. Went up to the mountains. Walked inside a fort. Stopped in a village and ate plantains. Went somewhere super high and took pictures at sunset. The guys bought us flowers. It wasn't relaxing like we had hoped but it was so much fun.

On one of our stops, we got cokes in a place where missionaries wearing bonnets can be commonly found. Our newly met friend was talking about Haiti and why he loves his country and how he hates going to America, etc. He continues to say, "what, you're a missionary or something?" with some expletives thrown in.

I have never been stared at that hard in my life. Even as a ghost living in Haiti.

We left pretty quickly and piled into his car, only to turn on the radio and have music full of dirt spewing from the speakers.

It was interesting to say the least. Especially when he told us, while speeding through town with no lights on, he wants to become a pastor because "they make the money!"

I bet he hasn't read Pagan Christianity.

We call it "the SUN"

2009-12-01T20:14:00.009-06:00

For Paige's 15th birthday, I had the awesome privilege of joining the Livesay fam on the beach. It was gorgeous. Found some dead jellies. Stepped on a sea urchin (I had shoes on... no worries). Swam in crystal blue water. Took funny pictures with Paige and the kids. Smelled beef jerky all day.

Speaking of pictures...

As Paige and I were walking back from another beach, two Asian men were laying in skivvies. These two had been next to the family all day, even in a completely open restaurant the waiter sat us right next to these guys. Anyway, we are walking by and laughing at some bad comment I made, and one of the men calls me over. Asks me to take him and his friend's picture. I stand so the sun isn't blaring but that wasn't good enough for them... the silent one (so far) says "No no no. Get in front of this light. The good light. We call it 'the sun'."

I started choking on laughter and took the picture. Then they wanted a picture with Paige and I, and we happily obliged.

Do I look like I don't speak English? And didn't I answer them when they asked me to take a picture?

Interesting, fun, relaxing day with a beautiful 15 year old and her beautiful family. I am lucky.

Everyone misses Mema...

2009-11-28T14:21:00.006-06:00

So, as my contribution to Haitian Thanksgiving, I made my Mema's cinnamon rolls. These rolls could cure cancer (well, I haven't tried that yet) but they are delicious. So tasty that Mema made them for me the week before I moved to Haiti so I could have an early Thanksgiving with her and Pepa. Got it? If I could only eat one thing the rest of my life, I would pick Mema's cinnamon rolls.

Beth found Crisco for me, and my ingredients were all collected. Paige came over to help me on Wednesday night, the ipod was on shuffle, diet coke was in the fridge. Good times had to occur.

Well, I start baking...
1) I only have 6 teaspoons of yeast instead of 9.
2) I only have normal sugar, when the recipe calls for brown sugar too.

I figured I could keep going... how important is yeast anyway? Everything is going good.

Until Paige beats the 4 eggs and pours them into the boiling Crisco, water, sugar, yeast mixture. THE WATER WAS BOILING.

It wasn't her fault. I wasn't completely clear that I had to turn the heat down before adding the eggs.

3) The 4 eggs scrambled in the boiling water. Scrambled eggs.

Most people (OK, everyone) would have given up at this point. Not I. My feelings about these rolls overwhelmed me and took control. Should I have given up? Yes. Did I miss my family immensely? Yes. So I trucked on.

I strained the scrambled eggs out of the very important sugar-yeast mixture and made the dough like nothing was wrong. Stayed up rolling cinnamon rolls and cutting them until 2 in the morning. Put them in the fridge to cool. Then unplugged the fridge so the batteries wouldn't drain (and, therefore, not cool the cinnamon rolls). Got up at 6 to let them rise before baking. Put the UNLEAVENED cinnamon rolls in the oven. Pulled them out. Shed some tears and fed them to the dogs.

Happy Thanksgiving Mema. I tried my best.

Time flies when you're...?

2009-11-22T10:04:00.003-06:00

I can distinctly remember walking off the plane in Port au Prince and asking God, out loud, "what the crap am I doing here?"

Now, after births and teaching classes on HIV and first aid and teaching school everyday, I only have a month left before Christmas break.

I have been able to witness so much in so little time.

This week is Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. I am definitely going to miss my Texas (and Iowa) family on Thursday, but the Heartline family is having Thanksgiving at the Buxmans, so I will be in good company.

I am going to hate missing out on black Friday deals though... oh well. My dad will have to go with my mom at 5am Friday. Should be an interesting experience for him.

Please continue praying for Jessica and her mom, Kris. Two great women in need of support, encouragement, love and prayers to Jesus.

-when you're... having fun/having new experiences/meeting new people/learning about Christ/meeting people where they are/ take your pick!

Prayer

2009-11-08T23:32:00.003-06:00

My friend Jessica needs as much prayer as possible. Please, please, please.

We were born on the same day, in the same hospital. Went to the same schools growing up. Were in the same drumline.

Jess needs prayer, support, thoughts, good vibes, whatever. Her mom, Kris, needs them too.

Oh America, I don't miss you...

2009-11-02T16:44:00.002-06:00

A HUGE waste. How many people would benefit from this money in Dallas alone? The $63 million already raised could help millions of lives on the border, in east Texas, El Paso... not to forget the rest of America and the WORLD.

Things like this make me sick.

I don't miss American 'Christianity'.

Not.one.bit.

I'm searching for a Biblical basis for this monstrosity, but it isn't there. Maybe because Jesus didn't save us to build megachurches to reach people: He wants us to live like He lived...

The Jesus I know wouldn't want it.

School is for suckers

2009-10-27T12:27:00.001-06:00

I love my job.

Homesick.

2009-10-24T18:44:00.003-05:00

I'm going through a period of missing people. I waited for as long as possible to put up pictures from home in my room here. I made it until Thursday.

It doesn't help when you're sick and your mom is 1795 miles away. I'm getting better though, slowly.

School is going super well, and I love what I do with Heartline on Tuesdays and sometimes Thursdays.

Time for Criminal Minds with Paige and Megan... but they are sitting far away from me!

Damages

2009-10-17T13:24:00.001-05:00

Everyone has chains keeping them connected with the life they lived before Christ opened their eyes and changed them forever. Past struggles and pains have made us into who we are; however, if we truly, sincerely, whole-heartedly believe that Jesus wipes away our past and gives us a new future in Him, why do we continually use our baggage as an excuse to not do what He has called us to do?

I moved to Haiti because I knew God wanted me here for this phase of life. I moved to help a missionary family. I moved because I didn't want to go to grad school and didn't know what I was going to do instead. I moved because I had nothing holding me to Texas anymore... WHATEVER.

I came because it was an easy out. I know, sounds weird/insane to consider moving here 'easy'. My heart was a mess and I didn't want to deal with what was floating inside my head. Really, moving was nothing. I wasn't nervous. I was excited to escape for awhile. To experience something on my own, something no one in my family has done. Something I have dreamed of doing since Mrs. Houser wore her African dress and spoke about learning Swahili during a Vacation Bible School in 3rd grade.

Escape has not come. If anything, Port au Prince has been the opposite. This city makes me see my own depravity in a way I couldn't have at home. Port makes me examine my relationship with Christ everyday and focus on the walls I have built so that I could still hold onto those chains. Granted, if I would have sought out Jesus at home He would've have worked in me and probably shown me the same things about myself. But I didn't do it.

It has taken me five years to get to this point. I still have a tight grip on my luggage, but I'm slowly letting go.

I receive weekly emails from my church in Lubbock and this week's was an intense slap in the face:

"Bitterness is more lethal than betrayal. Betrayal happens to you; bitterness happens in you. Betrayal is what is done by others to you. Bitterness is what you do to yourself. Scripture talks about “the root of bitterness springing up and defiling.” You can recover from betrayal but bitterness is a different story. Many today have experienced betrayal by a mate, friend, co-worker or someone who was a confidant. A relationship turning sour is painful. While Jesus sat and ate with his disciples he made these remarks, “One of you will betray me.” Betray disguised in a kiss - what a blow. Yet Jesus was unfazed by it refusing to become bitter.

'Stop being bitter and angry and mad at others. Don't yell at one another or curse each other or ever be rude.' Ephesians 4:31

Bitter-free living, it doesn’t get any better than that. Forgive and cancel the debt. Remove all words of bitterness from future conversations. Stop nursing the grudge. Bitterness won’t leave on its own. You must send it away. Bitterness is overcome by the most powerful “ness” called forgiveness. May your days ahead be marked by joyfulness."

Amen.

Let me see that tootsie roll!

2009-10-10T16:30:00.002-05:00

The Livesays have returned, and Megan and I are happy. It was fun to be a parent for twelve days, and I even got to be a 1am nightmare comforter, but believe me when I say "Praise Jesus for Troy and Tara."

In their packing expertise, I received: 1. Package from my mom (including raspberry lemonade mixes, tootsie roll pops, Woolite, cartoons, gum, vitamins, granola bars and a sweet card); 2. new underwear!; 3. Halloween candy (which will be used for the tiny Livesay fam October 31st celebration... I'm not totally selfish); 4. a Minnesotan apple, which Tara claims is the best apple on Earth; 5. Spanish textbooks (also from my mom); 6. MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF TOOTSIE ROLLS. I'm talking over 250 chocolate delights that I will consider sharing with the right person.

I'm in a great mood! And I watched the newest Office episode and almost wet my pants laughing so hard... watch it. Please. You will be in tears.

A dance video is being put together from the past two weeks... it will be uploaded when the internet decides to cooperate. WELCOME BACK: Troy, Tara, Paige, Isaac, and Noah! Enjoy changing diapers again! :)

Was that Renald?

2009-10-07T22:31:00.004-05:00

I spend very little time at my house right now, but when I am here, Renald is too. He generally runs around the table, dragging stickers behind him, and cries. However, last night a funny thing happened...

He farted. Not just a quiet, little fart. A huge one. Megan and I laughed for an extended period of time. He didn't know what do, so he started running around and screaming. It was hilarious. Turns out it wasn't just noise. Oh well. Worth the laugh.

I began the potty-training adventure whole-heartedly, only to be annihilated by Phoebe's uncanny way of not answering questions. She understands what to do, and has even used the toilet successfully multiple times; however, once toilet water has been splashed all over the floor, myself, and her monkey, I have hit my limit. Yes, I hate changing her massive poopy diapers... but Tara and Troy return on Friday and it won't be my job anymore. :) Goodbye $100. I got close.

Today was fun. Hope read half of One Fish, Two Fish before lunch and did a terrific job. She is super excited to see the fam return. I did her hair today... it is interesting. She loves it though, so I guess I did okay.

We danced, we ate, we jumped, we watched Criminal Minds, we played dress-up, we took silly pictures, and we didn't poop in the toilet.

Diri

2009-10-01T14:02:00.005-05:00

Hope is learning to appreciate classic movies this week. And we are beginning with my favorite: Hitchcock's Rear Window.

In other news, Lydia is herself this week. She probably misses her parents but she is not showing it.

Teaching is going very well with just Hopie. We get to spend extra time with reading and she is super pumped to read a book to Tara and Troy when they get back!

I'm trying to figure out my post-Haiti future. Not because I want to but because health insurance wants me to. So, I need some prayer. Thanks in advance.

Leaving you with some Livesay fun...

And day two begins!

2009-09-30T10:41:00.005-05:00

From Hope: "I love Hope, singing senior." She is being extra silly today :) Told me I have the weirdest voice ever.

We did actually get tons of school done today. Lots of giggling and discussing of booty sizes. But we accomplished something.

Day one went very smoothly without the 'big eaters' of the Livesay clan. Mac and cheese, peanut butter sandwiches. Renald peeing on my shirt. Fun times. I think we are doing noodles tonight.

"Time to carboload!" - Michael Gary Scott

Leaving on a jet plane

2009-09-28T19:21:00.003-05:00

My house is out of power tonight. Megan and I are sleeping at the Livesay's to try to maintain some sanity before they leave for forever tomorrow. Not forever... only ten days. That's what they say anyway. They are leaving the diapered ones with me and Megan so why return?

This majorly planned, mapped out, Minnesotan journey will be a learning experience. Living in Haiti, speaking minimal Kreyol and helping manage 5 kids. Oh, I'm potty-training Phoebe while they are gone... did I say learning experience already?

Tara is running the marathon on Sunday and has raised over $50k for malnourished Haitian kids. I wish I could be there to cheer her on BUT I am staying here to help the younger ones cheer her on in spirit. The plan is to post a daily update, hopefully with a video, to prove everyone is still alive and wishing for air conditioning.

Pray for Tara and her sister, Tina, as they run on Sunday. Pray for people to keep donating to save even more kids with Medika Mamba. Pray that the Livesays make it to the States in one piece and that they return with a buttload of tootsie rolls. Pray for Paige's speech about Renald at the banquet on Sunday night. And, if you think about, pray for Jerrone, Minuchska, Megan and myself. But only after you have prayed for those before us!

Evening and Morning

2009-09-26T11:09:00.004-05:00

I fell asleep with this in my head after the first day, of many, Haiti brought me to tears: "Jesus will hear our hearts, will help our hearts, will visit our hearts; for the voice of the wakeful heart is really the voice of our Beloved, saying, “Open to me.” Holy zeal will surely unbar the door."

A mother, no. A young woman, no. A teenager has an adorable son JP who is a year old and weighs less than a kid's bowling ball. I held JP on Thursday and heard him struggling for each breath. I held him and had this overwhelming feeling that he was going to die in my arms right then. I held him and thought certain people should not procreate. I held him and tried to imagine his life five years from now... until two seconds later I realized he, more than likely, won't be alive in six months. He desperately needs intervention, and I have no power to do that. And that fact, the whole powerless-to-save-him fact, is what made the tears begin to flow. No one can save JP but Christ, no matter how badly we may want to.

I almost lasted a month without breaking down. I was pretty proud of that... until I realized I had been relying on my own strength down here instead of God's. Until I realized that, like everyone else, I too am powerless to save the world.

The following morning, God used my brokenness to send me a few reminders: "My hope lives not because I am not a sinner, but because I am a sinner for whom Christ died; my trust is not that I am holy, but that being unholy, he is my righteousness. My faith rests not upon what I am, or shall be, or feel, or know, but in what Christ is, in what he has done, and in what he is now doing for me."
-quotes from "Morning and Evening: Daily Readings" by C.H. Spurgeon, September 24-25.

Tiny, shiny glass balls

2009-09-23T15:44:00.004-05:00

Vivien lost her marbles today.

No, really. Noah dropped an entire bag on the floor of OneStop and everyone looked at me and proceeded to laugh. It was either because the only white woman in the store is crawling on the floor picking up marbles or because none of the kids were helping. Some nice guys helped me... eventually. After all the laughter had subsided of course.

I did get a Toro and Diet Coke out of the deal, so I guess it was worth it.

"Let's throw free will under the bus... but keep witnessing too."

Make any sense to you?

You make it real for me

2009-09-17T23:04:00.003-05:00

I don’t understand anything He does in my life. I think if I did, I wouldn’t continually need a Savior… which we all know is definitely not true.

Troy and I talked about the differences between denominations this week, and he finally put into words what I’ve been thinking for a long time without being able to express it: Salvation is a relationship. I was saved, I am saved, I will be saved. I had a relationship with Christ, I have a relationship with Christ, I will have a relationship with Christ. In order to continue a relationship with someone (be it Jesus, a spouse, best friend, etc.) I can’t make a choice to start the relationship and then do nothing to further it. It isn’t a true relationship then.

I know Romans states ‘nothing can separate us from the love of God’, and that several other verses point toward the belief that once a sinner repents and consciously decides to take up Christ’s yoke then nothing can take away that decision; however, Hebrews 6 and Hebrews 10:26-31 say something different. I just don’t think God would have made me the way He did if I only had to make one choice at age 12 and never grow in my knowledge of Him. I have been struggling with the belief in ‘once saved, always saved’ from my southern Baptist upbringing, and I think God shook the cobwebs out of my head and showed me something I hadn’t thought of before. It was pretty cool… and it all happened on a drive through Port au Prince!

I will never have it figured all out, and maybe even my understanding of salvation will change, but for now I am celebrating joyously because God doesn’t expect me to get it! Too bad I had to move to a place with 84% humidity and even higher temperatures to learn that lesson.

I love living in Haiti, regardless of the weather and missing my family and friends back home. I got to be part of a squatting birth on Tuesday and watched God’s miracle of childbirth firsthand. If only Eve hadn’t eaten that fruit…

Hot or cold

2009-09-10T23:43:00.004-05:00

So, my choices for a shower are, apparently, as follows:

1. Cold and oh so refreshing with zero water pressure

or

2. Hot and not refreshing at all with terrific-enough pressure to allow me to put conditioner in my hair AND rinse it out, which is a feat in itself

which leaves me in this conundrum…

Why do I care about my shower when I measured a mother’s tummy today that might lose her child? And that it is breaking me apart to not have the knowledge or the equipment to tell her what’s wrong? Or how about the woman who is pregnant and is HIV+ and gained some weight today but still has no hope in her eyes and I can’t do anything to change that? Or the girl who is four years younger than me who is about to become a mom and a woman when she so obviously is not ready?

My battles in this life are so insanely, laughably small compared to what I saw today alone. God is working through Heartline and with these women for sure. I just wish I could heal them all… but then why would they so desperately need Jesus Christ?

The other cheek

2009-09-07T21:33:00.001-05:00

This song basically captures my journey in Haiti so far… what I’ve seen, who I’ve held, where I’ve been, what I’ve smelled, what I’ve felt. And I haven’t really done anything yet. God is powerful. What an understatement.

And the problem is this: we were bought with a kiss.
But the cheek still turned, even when it wasn’t hit.
And I don’t know what to do with a love like that.
And I don’t know how to be a love like that.
When all the love in the world is right here among us,
And hatred too. And so we must choose what our hands will do…
Where there is pain, let there be grace.
Where there is suffering, bring serenity.
For those afraid, help them be brave.
Where there is misery, bring expectancy.
And surely we can change; surely we can change something.
And the problem, it seems, is with you and me;
Not the Love who came to repair everything.
Where there is pain, let us bring grace.
Where there is suffering, bring serenity.
For those afraid, let us be brave.
Where there is misery, let us bring them relief.
And surely we can change; surely we can change.
Oh surely we can change something.
Oh, the world’s about to change…
The whole world’s about to change…

Satisfaction.

2009-09-07T21:30:00.001-05:00

First day of school: done.

Three kids’ faces: smiling.

Number of times Isaac told me he loved me: 6.

Number of hammer strokes while teaching Hope to read: a billion, give or take.

Prayers of thanksgiving, for sanity, for the kids, for Haiti: same as above.

Day two: ready. Get set. Go.

I am glad I am experiencing Haiti with this family. It makes me focus on what’s really important here and helps me see the issues this country faces in a different way. Hard to explain, but just know the Livesays are awesome in general.

Onset to symptoms

2009-09-05T12:19:00.001-05:00

Although three members of my Haitian family have malaria, none of the kids beginning school on Monday have it (yet). I’m not sure if they are excited or sad about that. And their teacher doesn’t have it either… I know Paige is praying that changes quickly.

Going over curriculum today. Sounds pretty late right, since I start teaching on Monday? WRONG. I am just waiting on Troy to feel good enough to make my workstation out of Mennonite-approved wood. And for Tara to stop being sick long enough to sew me some new bonnets.

My shower is full of mosquitoes. So even though I want to stay in the cold water for as long as possible, I get bitten multiple times. Current count: 23 and rising. Doesn’t make me want to stay in there past getting all the shampoo out.

HOWEVER, I love this country already. Maybe it’s because I’m surrounded by terrific people. Probably. If only their house doesn’t give me malaria… that will be the true test.

I learned how to do a prenatal exam yesterday. It was fun. Hopefully I can be an asset to Heartline while I’m down here!

2009-09-01T23:55:00.000-05:00

Hit on

2009-08-31T16:59:00.001-05:00

If a priest gives you his address, email, and phone number, does that count as a come-on? Hmm… something I got to ponder on my flight from Miami to Port au Prince. He was super sweet and was talking to me in Creole for about 5 minutes until he realized I wasn’t answering his questions. All of that was after he asked me in English if this was my first trip to Haiti and I replied ‘yes’.

I landed and the priest said God Bless You and disappeared. I stood in line and turned in my green form without problems. Then to the baggage claim. I waited at the end of the carousel bag thing next to two cops from Miami. I told them my luggage had orange tape on the handles and if they saw it to please tell me. They were cool… but they never saw it. I walked around and discovered a huge pile of bags on the floor. There was bag #1. A very nice, very tall Haitian man saw the orange on my bag and said ‘Wait’ and gave me the universal pointer-finger sign for one minute. Sure enough, here he comes around a corner with my other massive bag. Whew. Go through customs without problems. As I’m walking out, about ten men asked me if I needed help until this big guy comes toward me… I think Troy actually called him Big… and asked who I was looking for. I was hesitant but told him “the Livesays” and he replies “oh oh, yellow! Yellow! I know I know” and grabs my luggage cart and gives it to his lackey. So, I follow them outside and see Troy, Tara, Lydia, and Isaac waving at me with big smiles. It was a great sight.

So, I survived the airport. I know those of you back in Dallas were worried about that, and I thank you for the prayers!

I also survived a tap-tap and a true Haitian market today. More on that later.

Aaron Ivey (a Christian musician guy and friend to Troy and Tara) is here with a team from Austin and they are bringing the curriculum. Should be interesting. And I get ziti for dinner. Ciao.

a grateful heart

2009-08-20T14:54:00.004-05:00

I have received my teacher manuals for homeschooling the Livesay bunch, and, I must say, the pictures are hilarious. Really.

I keep forgetting to throw my extra bonnets into my suitcase. Write that down, Viv.

A woman from my church, Kim, works for this company, Cranium Kids. CK works with preschoolers and school-age kids with technology and how to use it to increase understanding of material and general intelligence. They have programs starting with 2 yr olds (Tech Tots... how cute is that?) and go up from there. The results are amazing. Kids are constantly surrounded by computers these days, and learning at an early age with help them forever. WAY TO GO KIM AND NATALEE.

Anyway, they asked me to work one of their camps, and I learned how to do claymation and teach kids how to do it. If you know me well/at all, I'm not the most technology-savvy young woman out there. It was a funny sight for sure. Well, Natalee (the founder of CK) discovers that I'm working to take money with me to Haiti and why I'm moving down there. She asks about the kids and their ages and the subjects I'm going to be teaching them, etc. Natalee then donates software to help them understand basic subjects in a fun way... like Arthur's Reading Race (that super cute aardvark) and I Spy, Jr. and Dr. Seuss' Fun with Numbers. And she is giving me some games for the younger Livesays: Phoebe, Lydia, Annie and Noah, who aren't even my responsibility! I didn't even ask for them. She just told me during lunch that she was going to give me a gift before I finished on Thursday and that it was something she really wanted to do.

God is good. He knew (of course) that the only thing I was nervous about was being a good enough teacher for these awesome kids. I mean, seriously, the Livesays are trusting me with their kids' education here. Insane right? Well, just when I have the lowest self-confidence ever, here comes a swift kick to the butt to remind who is in control. Ahh. He is terrific.

So, thanks to Natalee and Kim for two great weeks and for all the brilliant software that will help me be a better teacher. Isaac and Hope will thank them too, I'm sure... although Paige might be sad she didn't get any fun games. I will have to figure something else out for a freshman! :)

CHANGE

2009-08-01T11:41:00.005-05:00

I am moving to Haiti on August 29th to help out an awesome family... the Livesays. I will be homeschooling three of their wonderful children and working with Heartline Ministries whenever they tell me to.

This is totally different than what I planned to do this fall, which was grad school in El Paso. However, that is exactly why everything has changed: MY PLANNING. Not God's. Yes, multiple doors were opened for me in EP, and part of me was so ready to be there. To help people on the border and become completely bilingual and get a foot in the EP med school. To experience a completely different life in the same state. To become an adult.

When I graduated in May I had an odd pit in my stomach, like the feeling you get when everything isn't right, or how you know something big is about to happen and you have no control over it, or just living in the dust of Jesus' feet and having previous knowledge of inner peace... and that peace no longer being there. The absence of calm. The absence of control.

I am, in no way/shape/form, a control freak. According to my parents, I generally 'fly by the seat of my pants.' But this decision was different. Was special. Was only made through God's grace and amazing power to change hearts. Like the way Buckner is donating SIX MONTHS of health insurance, which would normally be $618 a month and would have prevented me from going. Or the way my parents, who were skeptical and didn't understand my reasons and my complete turn around from desiring grad school to desiring a completely different life, have supported me and helped me in decoding the desires God has placed in my heart vs. the desires of my human heart. Or the way an American doctor goes to church with the Livesays and can help me out if anything lupie happens while I'm there. Or the way God has answered all my prayers and showed me so many times that He wants me there.

I went to Lubbock in early July, before this move was a sure thing, to tell my friends and ask for prayer and say goodbye for a year, just in case. I learned 3 things up there: 1) Amanda, a friend I met this past year and instantly connected with, helped build the Heartline clinic with her church group; 2) Kendal, another friend I had to wait until my last semester to meet, went to Haiti on a mission trip, loved it, and is going back; 3) even if every single one of my friends thinks I am insane, which is probable, they are super excited for me. God used that trip in so many ways. I knew I wanted to go, but I just needed confirmation that it was the right decision for me, at the right time, with the right family, in the right country. You know, just right. And He gave it to me. Not just through those 3 things but through prayer too.

So, I'm leaving this great state of Texas and moving to Port-au-Prince, into a guest house with plenty of room and internet. COME visit. You won't get kidnapped or beat up or whatever else the U.S. government wants you to believe about Haiti. Sure, it can be dangerous. Yes, I'm going to stick out because I'm the color of a ghost. BUT if this is what God wants, and I am 187% positive it is, then I am in the safest place in the world.

Learning

2009-06-02T22:54:00.004-05:00

First of all, super big CONGRATULATIONS to Mandy and Brandon on the arrival of Andy Earl! The cell phone picture from Christen was so handsome and I can't wait to meet him for real!

After graduating college, I returned home to a new and different world. Few of my friends are around Dallas, and the ones that are here (for summer or live here permanently) have drastically changed in ways that I didn't see from Lubbock. Maybe I've grown up and changed. Or maybe I haven't changed and they have. I don't know, but I don't like it. I'm lonesome around here. But that will quickly change because...

Adrienne is coming back home! She gets here on Thursday! Yes. Finally.

I finished my first week of EMT classes on the wrong side of the teacher. Whoops. It is one of the easiest classes I have ever taken. I guess after Genetics of Microorganisms, most stuff will feel like a breeze!

Clinton is getting married this weekend. Weird. I grew up thinking he would marry Christen (ha) and he has found the perfect woman for him... Courtney! Congrats. I will be making the horrific drive to Midland with Christen and my fam... yep. Eleven hours of wedding bliss. But I am happy to go for a great friend!

So I'm considering not going to UTEP in the fall and moving to the border to do mission work. I will have my certification so I could work in a clinic or a hospital or on an ambulance crew. Whatev. I could take classes online to get my Masters... I just don't know. Part of me just isn't ready to start my graduate career yet, because once I move to a place where I want to go to med school, it's at least a four year commitment. And I'm single, not a parent, and only 21. So if I'm going to do something drastic and completely different for a year, now is the time to do it!

To end this saga for now, I'm summer job hunting. So if you hear of anyone hiring for nights and weekends let me know! Please!

Off to study and cough out a lung (bronchitis for the third time this year) -Viv

Donesky

2009-05-09T17:18:00.001-05:00

Tech=0. Vivien=5, almost 6

2009-01-14T16:47:00.002-06:00

I have begun my final semester at Texas Tech University, and I am taking absolutely zero science classes. My schedule goes like this... feel free to be completely jealous :)

Tuesdays/Thursdays: 9:30 Gendered Lives with my boss as the prof

11 Intro to Creative Writing, Service-Learning Edition

12:30 Business and Professional Communication (glorified speech class)

2 Intro to Drama

Wednesdays: 1 Karate... yep, I'm serious.

Annnnnd that's it! I only have one final to take during finals week. Oh leaving easy classes for my last semester has been one of the best decisions of my life.

I'm taking the GRE on January 30th and then, hopefully, will be going to UTEP in the fall for their International Public Health masters program. I"m super excited but am also still looking at other international PH programs around the country... maybe I need to get out of Texas for awhile? El Paso is as far as you can get and still be in the state, but I'm keeping my options open!

I am counting down the days until the Denver conference. My project is going to be really neat. I will post pictures, I promise!

Also happening in April... the Walk for Lupus Awareness! It's the last Saturday in April and is a 5k in Farmers Branch at 9. My team is Vivien's Valiant Voyagers... much to Amanda Brock's dismay. I think it is cute and very me, so whatever Mandy! Get over it! Anyway, anyone can join the team, walk, donate, or walk and donate! My team's website is here, and you can either sponsor me, my mom, whoever else joins between now and the time you donate, or the team in general. Or you can join the team and get other people to donate! It's whatever! I would love for you to walk with me and my family and friends. Plus, you get a t-shirt! :) Amanda said she is the chief financial officer... so I guess if you have questions I would ask her! Love you Mandy.

I miss Gabriel and Carina and Axel and Lily and Johnathan and Andrea and Sander... and everything else that is Guatemala to me. Two of my greatest friends are not in the US right now, and I just feel so jealous of them. I know Christ has me in the states until He has prepared me for wherever He tells me to go, but sometimes I wish He would tell me already and give me an open door to get there. And if He is going to tell me to stay put, I wish He would go ahead and tell me so I can begin the heart-healing process. Ahh, I've just been thinking about the future so much since I'm about to be a college grad! I still can hardly believe it.

I'm starting to run... which is something I have loved in the past but haven't been able to in the present. It feels so exhilarating the day after, when your muscles are sore but you feel good about yourself for actually increasing your healthiness! My knees are killing me though, so that's the only downside. Oh well.

Doctor appointment on January 28th. Hopefully everything will be okay. My meds aren't working right now, so yay for an increase in toxins entering my body after that day!

Well, it's journal time... yes, I have to journal everyday as part of the creative writing process. Haha I don't have anymore ridiculously hard science classes but I have tons of busy work!

I'm going home the weekend before my birthday, so if you are going to be in the Dallas area let me know!

Please Watch This

2008-12-21T20:43:00.001-06:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Strawberry Chapstick

2008-11-24T23:10:00.005-06:00

I should be finishing a 15-page paper right now about auxiliary chromosomes... whatever.

Spencer is married. No huge blowups or family meltdowns occurred that weekend, which was a miracle. I didn't get to run around the bases or sing karaoke, but that's okay.

I'm applying to UTEP's Masters program in Public Health, with an emphasis in International Health and Border Issues. Sounds right up my alley, right? I cannot wait. I know absolutely no one in El Paso so it will be an adventure!

School is difficult, and I have two classes that I'm close to failing. I've never been in this position before, where a final can make or break me. If I do fail those two, Molecular Biochemistry and Genetics of Microorganisms, I will have to retake them in the spring = I won't graduate on May 9th. Once again though, God is control. If I need to graduate in August instead then that's what I will do. It will suck but I can handle it.

The lupus monster is kinda out of control right now, which is terrific around finals time... but maybe that is why he is disrespecting my body so much! Ha. I started on a low dose on methotrexate, which is a weird form of chemotherapy, and it should help me feel better... the week AFTER finals. Meh, I can deal, especially if I have plenty of strawberry chapstick on standby.

I got my senior ring last Monday, and my mom and little brother and friends from back home came to the ceremony. It was great. And as soon as I put the big clunker on my finger I finally felt some distant love for my future alma mater. It was strange. Tech is growing on me, which is sad since I'm about to leave.

I got invited to present at a conference in Denver in April, which I am so so so pumped about. I have never been up there so should be interesting. People keep telling me they think I belong in Colorado, so I guess I will see if I do in April!

I TALKED TO AMANDA BROCK today. She has been starving in the jungle for too long. I'm so glad she is back with a toilet and a working shower. Love you Mandy. And yes, it is true that I voted for John McCain, but only because Obama is okay killing innocent babies. That was the breaking point for me.

Alright, happy thanksgiving and merry Christmas everyone. Don't spend too much money on my present... :)

You are the light that is leading me

to the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength that keeps me walking,

You are the hope that keeps me trusting.

You are the life to my soul, You are my purpose, You are everything.

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?

Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, You give me rest.

You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall.

You still my heart, and You take my breath away.

Would You take me in, would You take me deeper now?

You're all I want, You're all I need, You are everything.

-Lifehouse Everything

L-O-S-T

2008-10-18T20:23:00.002-05:00

No, not the show.

After praying about CEM, picturing myself living in northern California (which I definitely can) counseling girls that have gone through so much pain and suffering, thinking/worrying about not getting paid for a year even with a bachelor's degree... that door has closed. It is an amazing program and the work they do is so important in the kingdom of God; however, if I am really trying to find God's will and follow it, I don't think it leads me to CEM. And I"m trying to be okay with that.

I wish I could be an EMT and work overseas for a year. Or work at Parkland for a year and live at home until I leave for med school. I'm not sure exactly what I want to do, and that sucks. And I need to figure it out before december 1st, when tons of grad school applications are due. That means I have exactly 2 weeks to decide so I have time to asks profs for letters of recommendation... go ahead and shoot me now! Actually that might work, if someone would shoot me in the left knee and i could go ahead and that one replaced and save me tons of pain! Ok, that's the new plan for now.

I'm ready to leave Lubbock/Tech behind, but not the people I know and love that will still be here after I graduate. I think maybe that's why this is so hard. I am having to decide this way before any of my friends are, and again, it sucks. But whatever, another lightbulb might turn on in my head and this time it will be God flipping the switch instead of me searching for a quick answer! That sounds mature right?

Oh, I'm not engaged/dating anyone right now. So, when I get the usual "Oh my, and you're graduating in May?" question/look, it is getting hard to not reply with an "up yours." But, I understand that my view of God, and His ability to not fit in people's little narrow-minded boxes, is so much better than what they think I should do with my life. Do I have to be attached to a member of the male species for God to do work through me? NO. Plain and simple. Thank you, Jesus, for opening my eyes to how much bigger You are than my lack of romance and inability to see why so many Christian women think they are incomplete without a man by their sides. And He is working on me so that I can talk to them without thinking how ridiculous they are and how they just don't get the glory of Christ. Jesus is working in me and I'm letting Him for once, which feels pretty good.

Study time. Biochemistry and Borders, Boundaries, and Militarization. I shall return after the wedding shenanigans and will definitely have stories to tell... get excited!

Becker

2008-10-06T02:24:00.004-05:00

In my normal embracing insomnia routine, I turn on the TV... and Becker happens to be on. I used to watch this show with Granny when I stayed with her in Euless, mainly because my parents wouldn't let me watch it at home as a youngster with a morphable mind. I start remembering things from the past and everything I should've done in our relationship. Not go on that camping trip, with people I have no relationship with anymore, the weekend before she died. Drive the 45 minutes to see her instead of taking a nap or going to a stupid soccer practice. Share my testimony with her. Make sure she knew I had turned my life around. Tell her how many things we have in common and and how important I felt when I was around her...

Then I realize all these feelings apply to my walk with Christ. How much time I waste lying in bed watching The Office or rereading my favorite books instead of growing in my walk and increasing in my knowledge of Him. How I should tell Him what a great change He has made in my life, how I couldn't possibly be the same without Him. How He gives me purpose and importance in this life, even when being constantly hounded by those around me. How I should share my testimony no matter how much it hurts for me to tell it. How much time, in general, I've wasted in my life just worrying about what I'm going to do next.

I'm not going to make some silly promise that I'm changing all that business. I'm not naive enough anymore to believe that statement, especially when I think it. But I am going to start taking small steps to re-evaluate my walk with Christ. Let's start with the anxiety...

I graduate in May. I didn't feel right about applying to med school for this application cycle, so I'm waiting to apply until next October; therefore, I have exactly one year from May to do something with my life having a college degree. Of course, that is based on the fact that I will get into med school the first time I apply... which could be wishful thinking on my part. I have been looking at grad school, the Peacecorps, Journeyman, and other international mission trips that would last approximately a year or so. Then I found it- what I want to do with that year. It's like a light bulb turned on in my head and in my heart at the same time. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. if I had just trusted in Him the whole time, all this time worrying could have been spent furthering His kingdom... I'm such a loser!

So here it is... Christian Encounter Ministries. I was googling my options and it popped up Number One. Just reading the introduction gave me some goosebumps- no joke. I could intern here for the year, or for 9 months, if God wants me to. I think it would be awesome and would definitely help me in missions later in life. So, if you would like to pray for that, be my guest. It would be much much much appreciated!

Christen, I miss you. I wish I had enough money to come up for a visit but you know how college is on the money front. I'm proud of you for noticing God's plan might not include teaching for you. Thanks for having the courage to tell me that. It's refreshing that you can realize your degree might not be in something you actually end up doing for the rest of your life. I wish I had that strength! Lu and your hunky hubby! :)

I miss Amanda, but she is coming home sooner than I think. And Spencer's end of freedom happens in a little less than 3 weeks... wow. It is coming up soon... I hope I look good in that dress! That also means I will be home at that time, which I am super excited about. When I graduated high school, I was so ready for escape the confines of Mesquite, only to get trapped by the confines of Lubbock... I never would've imagined how much I welcome the site of the first Mesquite exit off 635. It is a joyous feeling for sure!

"That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2nd Corinthians 4:16-18

1954 counts as Vivíen's present-day reality.

2008-09-15T01:00:00.002-05:00

Stella: Yeah, I can hear you now. Get out of my life, you perfectly wonderful woman - you're too good for me. Look, Mr. Jefferies, I'm not an educated woman, but I can tell you one thing: when a man and a woman see each other and like each other, they ought to come together - wham!- like a couple of taxis on Broadway, not sit around analyzing each other like two specimens in a bottle.

Jeff: There's an intelligent way to approach marriage.

Stella: Intelligence! Nothing has caused the human race so much trouble as intelligence. Hah! Modern marriage!

Jeff: Now, we've progressed emotionally.

Stella: Baloney! Once, it was see somebody, get excited, get married. Now, it's read a lot of books, fence with a lot of four-syllable words, psychoanalyze each other until you can't tell the difference between a petting party and a civil service exam.

Jeff: People have different emotional levels.

Stella: When I married Miles, we were both a couple of maladjusted misfits. We are still maladjusted misfits, and we have loved every minute of it.

Jeff: Well, that's fine, Stella. Now would you fix me a sandwich please?

Stella: Yes, I will. And I'll spread a little common sense on the bread.

I was born in the wrong era. Hitchcock speaks my language. Thanks Rear Window.

Back in Lubbock

2008-08-30T01:26:00.004-05:00

After my amazing Guatemalan adventure, I have returned to Lubbock. School has started and, once again, I find myself stuck in a difficult position.

My life completely changed this summer, but certain friends of mine cannot accept the new me. I'm no longer afraid to stand up for myself and my beliefs, and they just don't understand how one month could change me so much. My fellow Guatemalan interns keep telling me that if the Lubbockites can't accept me I just have to move on; however, these friends have been placed in my life. I didn't go looking for them or ask God specifically for these people. Do I not have a responsibility to keep sharing my faith with them, even if they don't see me the same way as before?

In more cheerful news, Kent has started his freshman year out here and Tech seems much better with him here with me. I'm definitely glad my last year will be spent with him!

Back to the changing thing... This month in July taught me what true religion is... .and it happens to say it James 1:27

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

Doesn't that just sum up everything for me? Ridiculous that it took me traveling to a new country to find that out.

Guatemala!

2008-07-19T02:56:00.003-05:00

I just finished my first week in Guatemala and God has already done amazing work in my life, and hopefully the kids' lives in Huehue as well. I posted some pictures on facebook, but for those of you who do not have one, I am placing the link right... here.

Bendito seas, Dios, en camino de gran dolor,
Aunque cueste cantar loor,
¡bendito seas Dios!

Tu das, tu quitarás,
Tu das tu quitarás,
Mi alma ha de cantar,
bendito seas, Dios!

I could get used to this being-in-the-right-place-at-the-right-time thing. Is this really happening? YES IT IS!

Summer has begun

2008-06-15T01:49:00.003-05:00

Well, the MCAT is over and I think I am still in shock that I actually went through with it. It's pretty much the first adult-like step I have taken in my life, and that feels awfully strange. Whatever.

Caroline took me to dinner and helped me do my laundry to celebrate completion of the test! She is awesome.

Microbiology is fun. Kent and Mom come out here tomorrow for his New Student Orientation... he is all grown up! Aww my little baby brother!

Now that this huge test is off mind, my summer can commence and I can devote the rest of my energy to my trip to GUATEMALA! Ahh I cannot wait. That's an understatement.

Thanks to everyone who prayed for me concerning the test. I walked into the testing room completely nervous at first, like I'm-going-to-puke nervous, but I quickly calmed down. Your prayers truly helped me through this and I can never thank you enough. I'm sending my love to each of you... did you feel it?

Grey Fox: Smart choice in not getting that nonspayed, unvaccinated cute puppy. You should try the pot-roast thing again... it might be edible this time :) Lu and thanks for your, and your hubby's, support. Can't wait to book my flight to Virginia!

I get to leave Lubbock a whole week earlier than I thought... God never ceases to amaze me!

two posts in one month? NO WAY.

2008-05-22T17:22:00.003-05:00

Okay, I would like to clear the air before I type what I want to say. I have nothing against women who feel called to be mothers and nurture their children and do not work outside the home. My mother is this type of woman, and I love her to death. She continues to help me in almost every aspect of my life. And those who say that being a mother is not like having a job, then they have never been a mother. Moms work just as hard as anyone else, but they don't get paid for it... at least monetarily. All of this to say, hooray for stay-at-home moms. I love each of you.

HOWEVER...
As a twenty year old, I am not looking to pop out a kid anytime soon. Heck, I'm not even dating anyone right now (praise God above!) so that opportunity seems to be limited. So when someone asks me "Oh, since you are graduating soon, are you engaged yet or already married?" what exactly should my reply be? I think, as sarcastic as I am, my reply was pretty gracious... "Well, I do graduate soon, but no I'm not dating anyone. Nor do I think I need to be at this moment in time. I have too many opportunities that a serious relationship could potentially destroy. But thanks for asking." Did that sound so bad? You would think I just called him/her the Antichrist by the looks I was given.

When did society decide it was acceptable for a man to graduate college as a bachelor, but not a female? Is my degree not valued as highly if I'm single when I get it? Why should I graduate and immediately plunge into marriage? Ha, I will barely be 21 when I walk across the stage!

Another thing: when talking to someone about their dreams and where they think God is leading them in their life, don't reply with "Oh dear, do you really think God would let a woman do that kind of work? Do you think He wants you to work instead of becoming a mom? When will you have time to raise your kids and take care of your husband? Are you sure you want to go to medical school, when you could find the right man, settle down and start your family instead?" Now, my response to this bombardment of questioning was to simply walk away. Which is better than what I wanted to say to him/her. Someone who still thinks the world revolves around the male gender and that women should get educated, but marry off and never use said education, is not worth my time.

What is the Christian view on this subject? Are women just as allowed to have careers and forgo starting a family as men are? Or is it a double standard because women are, by nature, the more caring of the two? Am I, as a Christian woman, socially accepted if I never marry and adopt my children instead of pushing them out myself? Should I, as this same Christian woman, care if I am socially accepted or not?

For an ending: No, I am not a man-hater. I have many great men in my life who I respect and cherish. Yes, I have accepted the fact that I might never marry and be pregnant with a biological child, but what kid would seriously want my genes anyway? Yes, I understand I am only 20 and God has something magnificent waiting for me... but why does this magnificent thing I am waiting for have to be a man? Why can't people accept that sometimes a person is called to do something (like international missions or medicine or a kindergarten teacher or a rancher or whatever) and they don't need a lifelong partner to be happy or to help them along during the journey? Right now, that's where I am. I don't feel called to be a mom like my Mom or my Memaw or my aunt Val or the countless other women in my life that feel that's what God made them to do. I guess I just don't understand why I'm considered taboo (maybe not that harsh of a word, but that's what it seems like sometimes) because I am choosing a different path to follow than the usual "go to college, find the perfect guy, and get married before you experience life on your own" deal. No thanks. I don't want it, regardless of how badly my friends do or that one my best friends actually did that, kinda (Ha Christen, you followed it all the way to Virginia!) I realize that God has set that path for people, and I fully support them if they feel that is what God wants for them. But I don't think I'm meant for that. And it's weird that I am at total peace with that. Right?

Sorry, really long. Just thought I would share stuff I've been struggling with recently! If I offended anyone, I apologize. Just had some honest questions about Christian culture and the equality of women in that culture. Whatever!

I'm only $800 away from completely paying off my trip to Guatemala... God has definitely provided for me, even though I was skeptical. So thanks to everyone who donated, from Hurst Texas to the Peruvian jungle!

Yay for summer school and Kent graduating soon!

MayDay!

2008-05-01T21:28:00.002-05:00

So, this past weekend... Christen Walker became Christen DeBerry and moved 22 hours away from Dallas, so 28 hours away from me. I miss her, but her time for change came. It's weird for me, my first close friend to get married. Oh well, I knew it was coming I just didn't prepare for it! I love you Cwalk, uhh, I mean Cberry?

I changed my graduation date to May 2009. I didn't want to at first. Actually, I fought it like the plague or my 5th round of mono (yeah, I'm in the fifth round). But, after numerous talks with parents and close friends both here and abroad, I decided to move it back.

My application for med school opened today. Kent graduates June 7th. MCAT is June 13th. Guatemala is coming in July. Interviews for med school start in August. School is full-blown in September. I visit Christen and Eric in Virginia in October. Spencer gets married in October... ahh everything is coming so fast!

Lubbock isn't so bad. I'm actually starting to get used to the bad drivers and horrible wind and dust and hours from family. My guess: God is preparing me for where I'm going to med school. Right now, I have no clue. I don't even know where to apply. But He knows. And He knows where I will live, how I will pay for school, etc. I just have to trust those facts. And I'm working on it. I really am.

To my jungle friend: thanks. for making me tell you what was wrong. and sitting in silence on the other end of the phone instead of trying to tell me it would be ok. it's ok now. i just needed time. and some more God-given healing. i thought the healing had already happened, but i was wrong. so thanks, for prayers and silence and just being cool and learning two languages in a year. i'm jealous... can you tell? hah

I wish it would rain! Yay! Oh, I LOVE ASHLEY MILLER! are you seriously considering tech's nursing school? Man, just when I think I'm escaping this place, you and my little bro give me a reason to stay! :)

Finally

2008-02-20T17:11:00.002-06:00

Time for an update...

The journey that just won't start... is about to begin.

I got asked to be a summer intern in Guatemala for Buckner International today. I gladly accepted. I leave July 10th and return August 9th, and I bet a million bucks I will not want to get on that flight back here.

It feels weird... I have been praying about leaving the country since my sophomore year of high school (five years, but who's counting?) and the prayer was answered today. Talk about God showing me who's boss.

Lesson learned: I can plan things all I want. I can pick my major, occupation, friends, etc. I can research mission trips and apply and get accepted, only to have them taken away by parents that I thought didn't understand where I was coming from. I can tell everyone I am doing this or doing that, only to be brought back down to the dirt at His feet.

I didn't plan this one. Didn't rush or tell tons of people. Didn't put so much emotion into the process. I prayed, applied, prayed some more. Made it through a hardcore interview. Fully trusted God to make things happen the way He wanted them to (the trust thing should be a given, but it's harder than it sounds). For once, my intense history didn't disqualify me from this experience. And only Jesus could have allowed them to look past the negative aspects of my testimony and focus on the one thing that truly matters: Christ is my healer, redeemer, saving grace, and ultimate forgiver.

Another awesome fact: my entire family is going to London for spring break! I can't believe I have waited so long to leave the country and now I get to go twice within five months. God is miraculous.

School and new medicine is kicking me hard lately, but I'm pushing through. I have even more incentive now to do so!

In case I don't get back here before May, I get to be in my best friend's wedding on April 26th in Dallas, right before finals. Should be an amazing/interesting time. Christen DeBerry... different, but a good different.

Life is changing fast, but I knew it would happen sooner or later. Thank goodness I have someone to turn to no matter what time of day to keep me on the ground and on track in life.

BETTER

2007-09-11T22:02:00.000-05:00

The new school year has gotten off to an amazing start...

1) Spencer and Brianna are engaged. And I was a part of it.

2) Classes are killer but, for now, I still want to be a doctor.

3) My apartment is awesome.

4) Working at Freebirds... ok.

5) Money is tight, but I'm happy.

My friend Samantha's uncle is getting me a doctor to shadow. I'm super pumped about that. My grandmother turns 75 in October, what a milestone. I hope I will live as full a life as she has. I miss Amanda and Christen, but I am getting along fine out here in the greater Lubbock area. I've never had satellite television, and now I do. It's an interesting experience. And I got a free ipod out of it... sweet!

Until November- Vivien

I've Got the Bad News Blues

2007-07-15T23:19:00.001-05:00

A friend at church told me today he has lung cancer. Has he ever smoked a cigarette in his entire life? No. He hasn't. And doctors don't think chemotherapy will help him anymore. He finds out Tuesday what stage he is at.

Oh yeah, I also found out a different friend of mine has HIV.

Great day.

2007-07-02T22:14:00.000-05:00

Don't drink and drive. You can drink, I have no problem with that. Just give me the car keys. Or call me and I will come get your keys from you and take you home. No matter where you are. I will drive hours. Don't worry about the gas money. I won't even ask you for it later when you're sober. Money doesn't matter if your life and others' lives are saved.

Please. No more broken hearts because of one too many empty bottles on the table. Life is too important to throw away on a night of stupid decisions.

Hopefully with the Father: Josh Cotton. January 28, 1983-July 1, 2007. Saddle Tramp. Texas Tech Graduate 2006 , Mechanical Engineering.

Think. Thats all I'm asking. And use this number at all hours of the night: (972) 742-7934.

2007-06-28T18:51:00.000-05:00

Dearest Bill Walker,

I'm doing great. My studies are progressing, and I am doing terrific in those as well.

I will be coming over soon for a roping lesson in your backyard. Tell Mrs.Gail I love her.

Love, Vivien.

p.s. was this a good entry? sound cheery enough? :)

Learning

2007-04-24T02:45:00.000-05:00

The key to living life, the key to knowing the deepest wells of hope and joy, are not found when all is well: they are found when we trust when all goes wrong.

May all our wells run deep.

It is unavoidable. We are going to suffer. We are going to be obedient and things are going to go wrong. We are going to do exactly what god tells us to do and its not going to end up like we want it to. But the question you are going to have to answer, not with your mind but with your heart, is do you trust Him. At the core of who you are, do you think God is good or do you think that He is evil? Do you own the faith that would say "if this goes wrong," for the rest of my life I believe that He is good. Because the answer and foundation of real life, the kind of life that leaves existence behind and becomes all that God created us to walk in, is not found in wealth and comfort but in trust and faith.

When is the last time you went to church and someone told you that sometimes life sucks?

Ahh, that our wells would go deep, that our hearts could trust Him, even when it all goes wrong. The only other option is to rail against Him.

Some of us have bought into some really crazy thoughts that, because things have gone wrong for us, we've obviously angered God or that we've sinned somehow and this is why God's doing this to us. If you are caught in that trap, you run from God instead of run to Him.

--Matt Chandler

Me: When God teaches me a lesson, it doesn't come quietly or slowly. He slams me in the face.

Why must God continually prove himself to me? Why can't I retain and practice the lesson I have been slammed with over and over?

Why do I constantly rely on my plans, instead of God's, while fully knowing that nothing I put into place will come to fulfillment without His will, influence, and power? Why does He keep working on me, even when I am an unceasing disappointment?

I do not deserve anything, much less the love of an enormous God who loves and cherishes me regardless of: the pastiness of my skin or the number of pimples on my face or the fact that I constantly question Him about my future husband and why I cannot seem to find him or my neverending worries about my family or my inability to say no to people even when I'm beyond exhaustion or my utter lack of faith in ever finding a cure or my insatiable thirst to understand my life and how I can somehow save the world from self destructing, even though I completely comprehend that it already has been saved.

Whoa, listed almost all my insecurities in a nonchalant sorta way.

Back with my face in the dirt. Beginning life without certain constants I have been relying on for the past 10 months.

Back to a different beginning and excited about where it will lead.

just normalcy

2007-04-12T01:32:00.000-05:00

Apparently my previous posts have left questions unanswered, and some of my adoring fans have quietly given advice on how to find those answers I just can't seem to find.

Everyday someone gives me a piece of advice, either needed and heeded or completely out of line. I don't deserve to be treated like a child who has no control over her physical and emotional well-being. I choose when and if to take my medicine. I decide where and when I go to the doctor. And no, this disease is not "all in my head."

No matter how much my parents and I want to believe this is true, positive thoughts will not cure me. And the comment "just thinking bright thoughts will make you feel better" is a big, stinky bag of bologna.

So, just don't do it. If someone in your life is going through a rough patch, just listen. Don't give advice. I promise they probably don't want to hear it... if they do, they will ask you.

And, for heaven's sake, do not tell someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer or some other form of disease that they "are being punished for unconfessed sin" in their lives. Unless it is a venereal disease, then maybe.

While we are on the topic of suffering... Jesus never promised believers that life would be easy and happy. The form of Christianity being sold today, at least out here in LBK, is that once you accept Christ, your life will alter completely and all the bad stuff will disappear. Partly true. Life does change completely. But bad stuff doesn't just become invisible.

And where, exactly, in the Bible does it say that unconfessed sin will bring about an incurable, painful disease? And where does it say that Christians have the right to judge others, fellow believers or nonbelievers, according to their unconfessed sins and previous life experiences? Anyone know? Care to enlighten me?

STRANGE: I find that my closest moments with God are when I can't move my legs to get out of bed in the morning, or when my stomach hurts so badly I can barely breathe. I've begun to notice that when I think my walk is the strongest it has ever been, a newer, tougher trial comes and knocks me back down to the ground.

Life just does not make sense sometimes, and you have to learn to roll with the punches.

I guess I'm rolling all over the place.

Moral: think before you speak to someone suffering.

One Month Later...

2007-03-23T00:05:00.000-06:00

I'm sticking to Tech. Not transferring. Going to finish in three years and get far away from this place.

On a positive note, my place of residence next fall has a fireplace in the kitchen. Yep, I'm pretty pumped.

By the end of the summer I will be a year ahead of my normal graduation date. So terrific.

Work is great. Paychecks are even greater.

Visiting a new church on Sunday. Dad and PePaw have been bugging me to visit so I will placate them. I think one reason they want me to go is to meet some new fellas. Preferably good ones. And they figure church is a good place to start. However, every guy I have ever dated has been a church fella... not saying much there. Really. Not saying much at all.

I get to visit my preferred institution of higher education (A&M) next weekend and stay with my vegetable-loving friend Christen. I miss her so much, and a break from Lubbock is already needed... and I know, I just got back from spring break but, unless you are out here, you can't say anything.

Family Promise was interesting last night... took some girls with me from our philosophy class and they were fun to watch. All three of us got puked on (the left thigh of my jeans is stained pink) and slapped in the face. And, we decided to get our tubes tied at the ripe age of, well, now. Vivien + kids = no way in hades. Or, at least, kids that misbehave and slap young women.

I'm taking interesting courses in the fall:
1) Sociology of Marriage. I wonder how the secular view of marriage will coincide with the Biblical view?
2) Alcohol, Drugs, and Society. Hmm. I'm loving sociology.
3) Yoga. Yeah, pretty excited.
4) Honors Organic Chem... not so much.
5) Honors Biology.... not so much.
6) Honors Public Speaking. I wonder if anyone will want to hear about lupus? Can I use my speeches from high school? I hope so.
7) Organic lab, Biology Lab

So, taking 18 hours plus working 25 hours per week should be a unique combination.

Goodbye life... med school here I come!

General Disappointment and Discouragement

2007-02-22T22:46:00.000-06:00

You have my heart, and I am Yours forever. You are my strength, God of grace and power. And everything You hold in Your hand... still you make time for me- I can't understand.

Praise you, God of earth and sky, how beautiful is Your unfailing love. And You never change, God, You remain the holy one... and my unfailing love.

What can take a dying man, raise him up to life again? What can heal the wounded soul, what can make us white as snow? What can fill the emptiness, what can mend our brokenness?

It's a miracle to me, and it's still a mystery... the power of God for those who believe.

I want to know You and the power of Your resurrection, of reflection shining through me. I want to see Your glory burning in my soul forever. Oh Jesus, reveal Yourself to me.

Open my eyes and I will see. Open my heart and I'll believe. Draw me to Your higher ways.

One would think these lyrics to be of some encouragement to a believer going through a rough patch of life; however, it is quite the contrary for Miss V. Ingram.

The people who wrote these songs, and sang them for that matter, were following their call from God to witness through musical and writing abilities. They embraced their gifts and shared them with others. They had the gaul to do it. To step aside from life for awhile and follow whatever path the Lord had set for them to follow.

I bet their fathers had objections, and their mothers shed tears over their possible leave of absence from college. But, I also bet their families supported them in whatever decisions they made. I bet their parents didn't put them in the position I'm currently in.

Maybe I'm wrong... maybe I do need to get my freaking degree so God can use me? Kinda sounds like trash to me. Can't He use everyone who is willing?

And, if that previous statement is true (which I believe it is), and my heart is passionate about foreign missions... should I have to get my degree before being able to do longterm missions work overseas?

Oh, He uses willing hearts for His glory... and "my time will come." I know.

I fully believe my time is now, to not finish college and go serve others. How can I sit here, in Lubbock, for the next two and a half years of my life, knowing that I could be showing God's love to the orphans in Africa or handing out HIV/AIDS supplies and treatment to women in Uganda, Ghana, and Kenya?

Will I be able to look at myself in the mirror, knowing that I'm called to not be in the United States but stuck here anyway?

Yes, I know. Take advantage of the opportunities God has given you right now. Be the witness at Freebirds, where every other word uttered is a cuss word. Where no religious shirts or foil art is permitted. Be a witness at Family Promise. Show the homeless people you love them, regardless of their socioeconomic status or current hygiene level. Continue to love your brother. Show God's patience and understanding with your roommate.

He is using me right here. And I probably don't even know how.

But I hate it. I hate obeying when I feel it is completely wrong.

There everyone. That's what I have been struggling with since my last post.

Peace.

Hmm... interesting day.

2007-01-21T22:22:00.000-06:00

WARNING... BRUTALLY HONEST ENTRY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE A COMMENT TO TELL ME THAT I SHOULDN'T QUESTION GOD OR THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MY HOPES UP... DON'T READ IT. OR DON'T LEAVE A COMMENT.

So, my plans for this summer have been... well, abolished.

You see, I applied and got accepted into the study abroad program in Kenya only to be informed that I could not go. I got a letter of acceptance and within the same day found out that my medication keeps me from going.

A disease that I have no control over, and can never control, keeps me from my dream. Again.

Yes, this sounds angry and perturbed and upset and selfish. I am. And I know I shouldn't be because this somehow fits into God's ultimate plan for my life. But it would be freaking awesome if He would just tell me how getting my hopes up and telling everyone about this mission oppportunity then letting my body take it away from me will benefit me. I wish He would just look down, pick me up in His giant hands (well, I picture them as huge), carry me for awhile, talk to me and show me where I will be in ten years, then set me back down. But not in Lubbock or in Texas or anywhere familiar to me. That's why I was so ecstatic about Kenya. It was somewhere new, somewhere God has laid on my heart to be a missionary in since eighth grade.

And I know, my mission field is obviously Texas Tech. Why else would I be here? Seriously, don't tell me that.

Maybe God just needed a good laugh at my expense? I think He laughs at us. In fact, I know He has a sense of humor. Why else would I promise myself that I would NEVER live in Lubbock- and yet here I am?

Ugh, I'm just so sick of letting myself believe I am actually, kind of on God's track for my life then something coming to a crashing halt or stupendous let-down.

It sucks. And I'm not over it yet. But healing will come in time. And that is one thing that God has to keep pushing in my face. He heals all things in time. Not in my time or my parents time or my doctors' time. His time.

I just wish His time would hurry up.

Explanations

2006-12-29T02:25:00.000-06:00

"please help me learn Maasai people."

I have been given the opportunity to travel to Nairobi, Kenya and work with the Maasai tribe at the base of Mt. Kilimanjaro from June 1 through July 5.

Now, some may think this sounds like a normal, mission trip kind of deal. I don't know if you could be more wrong.

I will be working with Maasai tribes, seeing and understanding how Westernization has affected their culture, handing out AIDs medicines and working in HIV/AIDs clinics, learning about herbal medicines and witch doctors, attending classes about field research, and learning Swahili. The trip is not sponsored by a Christian organization and has no ties to any Baptist conventions or conferences; however, I feel God has called me to study abroad this summer in Kenya. The month of June will combine all my passions in life: missions, Africa, helping people, loving people, and learning.

All I ask for right now is prayer. Pray: that I will follow God's plan and trust in His timing; that the Lord will begin to work on the hearts of the Maasai tribe; and that God would begin to expand the compassion in my heart for this trip and the people who will be impacting me while I'm over there.

bwana barikie ninyi nyote