General Disappointment and Discouragement

You have my heart, and I am Yours forever. You are my strength, God of grace and power. And everything You hold in Your hand... still you make time for me- I can't understand.

Praise you, God of earth and sky, how beautiful is Your unfailing love. And You never change, God, You remain the holy one... and my unfailing love.

What can take a dying man, raise him up to life again? What can heal the wounded soul, what can make us white as snow? What can fill the emptiness, what can mend our brokenness?

It's a miracle to me, and it's still a mystery... the power of God for those who believe.

I want to know You and the power of Your resurrection, of reflection shining through me. I want to see Your glory burning in my soul forever. Oh Jesus, reveal Yourself to me.

Open my eyes and I will see. Open my heart and I'll believe. Draw me to Your higher ways.

One would think these lyrics to be of some encouragement to a believer going through a rough patch of life; however, it is quite the contrary for Miss V. Ingram.

The people who wrote these songs, and sang them for that matter, were following their call from God to witness through musical and writing abilities. They embraced their gifts and shared them with others. They had the gaul to do it. To step aside from life for awhile and follow whatever path the Lord had set for them to follow.

I bet their fathers had objections, and their mothers shed tears over their possible leave of absence from college. But, I also bet their families supported them in whatever decisions they made. I bet their parents didn't put them in the position I'm currently in.

Maybe I'm wrong... maybe I do need to get my freaking degree so God can use me? Kinda sounds like trash to me. Can't He use everyone who is willing?

And, if that previous statement is true (which I believe it is), and my heart is passionate about foreign missions... should I have to get my degree before being able to do longterm missions work overseas?

Oh, He uses willing hearts for His glory... and "my time will come." I know.

I fully believe my time is now, to not finish college and go serve others. How can I sit here, in Lubbock, for the next two and a half years of my life, knowing that I could be showing God's love to the orphans in Africa or handing out HIV/AIDS supplies and treatment to women in Uganda, Ghana, and Kenya?

Will I be able to look at myself in the mirror, knowing that I'm called to not be in the United States but stuck here anyway?

Yes, I know. Take advantage of the opportunities God has given you right now. Be the witness at Freebirds, where every other word uttered is a cuss word. Where no religious shirts or foil art is permitted. Be a witness at Family Promise. Show the homeless people you love them, regardless of their socioeconomic status or current hygiene level. Continue to love your brother. Show God's patience and understanding with your roommate.

He is using me right here. And I probably don't even know how.

But I hate it. I hate obeying when I feel it is completely wrong.

There everyone. That's what I have been struggling with since my last post.

Peace.

Hmm... interesting day.

WARNING... BRUTALLY HONEST ENTRY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE A COMMENT TO TELL ME THAT I SHOULDN'T QUESTION GOD OR THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MY HOPES UP... DON'T READ IT. OR DON'T LEAVE A COMMENT.


So, my plans for this summer have been... well, abolished.

You see, I applied and got accepted into the study abroad program in Kenya only to be informed that I could not go. I got a letter of acceptance and within the same day found out that my medication keeps me from going.

A disease that I have no control over, and can never control, keeps me from my dream. Again.

Yes, this sounds angry and perturbed and upset and selfish. I am. And I know I shouldn't be because this somehow fits into God's ultimate plan for my life. But it would be freaking awesome if He would just tell me how getting my hopes up and telling everyone about this mission oppportunity then letting my body take it away from me will benefit me. I wish He would just look down, pick me up in His giant hands (well, I picture them as huge), carry me for awhile, talk to me and show me where I will be in ten years, then set me back down. But not in Lubbock or in Texas or anywhere familiar to me. That's why I was so ecstatic about Kenya. It was somewhere new, somewhere God has laid on my heart to be a missionary in since eighth grade.

And I know, my mission field is obviously Texas Tech. Why else would I be here? Seriously, don't tell me that.

Maybe God just needed a good laugh at my expense? I think He laughs at us. In fact, I know He has a sense of humor. Why else would I promise myself that I would NEVER live in Lubbock- and yet here I am?

Ugh, I'm just so sick of letting myself believe I am actually, kind of on God's track for my life then something coming to a crashing halt or stupendous let-down.

It sucks. And I'm not over it yet. But healing will come in time. And that is one thing that God has to keep pushing in my face. He heals all things in time. Not in my time or my parents time or my doctors' time. His time.

I just wish His time would hurry up.

Explanations

"please help me learn Maasai people."

I have been given the opportunity to travel to Nairobi, Kenya and work with the Maasai tribe at the base of Mt. Kilimanjaro from June 1 through July 5.

Now, some may think this sounds like a normal, mission trip kind of deal. I don't know if you could be more wrong.

I will be working with Maasai tribes, seeing and understanding how Westernization has affected their culture, handing out AIDs medicines and working in HIV/AIDs clinics, learning about herbal medicines and witch doctors, attending classes about field research, and learning Swahili. The trip is not sponsored by a Christian organization and has no ties to any Baptist conventions or conferences; however, I feel God has called me to study abroad this summer in Kenya. The month of June will combine all my passions in life: missions, Africa, helping people, loving people, and learning.

All I ask for right now is prayer. Pray: that I will follow God's plan and trust in His timing; that the Lord will begin to work on the hearts of the Maasai tribe; and that God would begin to expand the compassion in my heart for this trip and the people who will be impacting me while I'm over there.

bwana barikie ninyi nyote