Transitions

The earthquake changed millions of people's lives. Drastically. Hundreds of thousands lost their lives and many will never have the proper burial and their families may never get closure. Homes lost. Limbs lost. Old lives and ways of life are gone.

What I am going through is so minuscule compared to the Haitian people. Yes, I have no idea where God wants me or what He wants me to do, and I'm grieving: for everything I have seen; things I had to do the night of the earthquake and the days and weeks following; for the Haitian people who lost everything in that fraction of time... but I had the opportunity to get out of the chaos and come home to a different brand of crazy.

I knew that no one here would understand. Their lives weren't changed at all. Maybe their hearts were softened for Haitians and they donated money or goods, and maybe even went down and helped for a few weeks. I wasn't expecting people to empathize, which made the move a little easier. If you have low expectations you will rarely be disappointed! But I was totally embraced by my Texas support system. Very few people expected me to be pre-quake Vivien. Most people knew I was dealing with emotions and feelings and thoughts I had never dealt with before, and gave me the space I needed.

Transparency is an important part of community. I have never felt comfortable sharing my pain and sorrows and heartache with the church I grew up at. Too many people have witnessed me deal with pain and have thought "she is dealing so well." I have dealt with grief and extreme/intense pain before, but nothing like this. On Sunday night, while speaking at my church, I was overcome with the need to tell them that I was broken. That I was going to be completely honest and open with them about my experiences in Haiti, and that probably would make them uncomfortable. Total, brutal honesty is not a common thing in church... which seems ironic to me. Church should be the place where we are most open and broken in front of people. So I was. And the outpouring of prayers, tears and support from everyone in the sanctuary was overwhelming. They even cancelled the business meeting, which might have been the first time in Baptist history.

God is using this time and my experiences to teach me about openness and complete reliance on Him, even though I thought I had been that way before the earthquake. I wish I knew where I would be a year from now, or even next week, but I am learning to accept that I have absolutely no control and that Someone who loves, and cares about, me more than anyone else is in total control.

Two weeks

It is weird thinking back 13 days to pre-earthquake time... I was unpacking my bags from Christmas break in Texas, playing soccer inside with Isaac and Hope and Noah, watching Batman movies and answering tons of questions in the middle... life has completely changed. And I'm not injured or homeless or wondering where my next meal is coming from. Life in Haiti was full of difficulties and challenges and sadness and sorrow and hope before January 12, but now it seems there is more hope than ever before.

So many miracles, and signs that God is here, are happening at the Heartline clinic, and there are so many other clinics operating around the country... hope is alive here. And it's growing.


Haiti will be restored one day, hopefully better and more stable than before. I have no idea when it will happen. Some people are saying years from now, others give no timeline at all. I do know that Haitians are resilient and have a much greater sense of daily thankfulness to God than I do. Maybe that's why I was sent here to be part of this... to learn to be thankful to Him in everything. In the ups and downs, not just the ups.


I am thankful to be in Haiti today, to experience this life-changing event and thankful to know God is changing me through this. I am thankful for a place to come home to every night and to have people here who are all experiencing the same things as I am. I am thankful for supportive family and friends in the states. Most of all I am thankful for a Savior who never gives up on me or anyone, who saves the wretched, weak sinners and turns us into new creations made for His work on earth. I am thankful to be a woman in the kingdom of God.

Shaky

Blessed is the understatement of my life right now.

The last major aftershock happened at 2ish this morning. It was massive. But we are still here.

Worked at a clinic the night of the quake and the day after. Can't tell you what I saw or how many people I sutured up.

Please continue praying for those still trapped, those suffering with wounds (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and those who lost loved ones. Also pray for supplies and those trying help.

We can feel your prayers and are very thankful for them. If you want to donate somehow or help in some way, please go to worldwidevillage.org or heartlineministries.org or the red cross. We need diesel, water, food and medicine (like Lidocaine, Tylenol, NSAIDS, etc) and medical supplies (gauze, tape, hydrogen peroxide, betadine, suturing equipment/tools).

I am saved by grace through faith...

From afar

I returned to Dallas last Monday and haven't stopped whirling. Until right now, a week later. Only two weeks left then back to Haiti and the kids I miss sooo much!

Within this first week, I got to enjoy meeting new family and had some official Mema's cinnamon rolls. Received games to bring back to Port and a new scarf... which obviously isn't needed where I live.

Got to see a friend from London and my Marine friend back from a second tour in Iraq/Afghanistan. It was weird: all three of us overseas in such different situations. Cool and good, but weird.

My oldest brother lives at home again, so it has been a fantastic people-watching exercise in my own living room.

I have only had to bite my tongue about 400 times to keep from screaming 'YOU ARE SHALLOW' and 'GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN YOUR VERSION OF HIM'. Four hundred isn't too bad for my town, so I'm counting my blessings.

I saw snow on Christmas Eve and had to wear a sweater to my grandparents' house on Christmas day... a first for me on both accounts. I'm missing my hot weather home.

You're a $%##%*&ary?

I had a Haitian adventure on Saturday.


Corrie and I got into a car with a guy we knew a little bit and a guy we didn't know at all. We told them we just wanted to escape Tabarre for awhile and see different parts of the city. We were gone all day. Went up to the mountains. Walked inside a fort. Stopped in a village and ate plantains. Went somewhere super high and took pictures at sunset. The guys bought us flowers. It wasn't relaxing like we had hoped but it was so much fun.


On one of our stops, we got cokes in a place where missionaries wearing bonnets can be commonly found. Our newly met friend was talking about Haiti and why he loves his country and how he hates going to America, etc. He continues to say, "what, you're a missionary or something?" with some expletives thrown in.

I have never been stared at that hard in my life. Even as a ghost living in Haiti.


We left pretty quickly and piled into his car, only to turn on the radio and have music full of dirt spewing from the speakers.

It was interesting to say the least. Especially when he told us, while speeding through town with no lights on, he wants to become a pastor because "they make the money!"

I bet he hasn't read Pagan Christianity.

We call it "the SUN"

For Paige's 15th birthday, I had the awesome privilege of joining the Livesay fam on the beach. It was gorgeous. Found some dead jellies. Stepped on a sea urchin (I had shoes on... no worries). Swam in crystal blue water. Took funny pictures with Paige and the kids. Smelled beef jerky all day.


Speaking of pictures...

As Paige and I were walking back from another beach, two Asian men were laying in skivvies. These two had been next to the family all day, even in a completely open restaurant the waiter sat us right next to these guys. Anyway, we are walking by and laughing at some bad comment I made, and one of the men calls me over. Asks me to take him and his friend's picture. I stand so the sun isn't blaring but that wasn't good enough for them... the silent one (so far) says "No no no. Get in front of this light. The good light. We call it 'the sun'."


I started choking on laughter and took the picture. Then they wanted a picture with Paige and I, and we happily obliged.

Do I look like I don't speak English? And didn't I answer them when they asked me to take a picture?


Interesting, fun, relaxing day with a beautiful 15 year old and her beautiful family. I am lucky.

Everyone misses Mema...

So, as my contribution to Haitian Thanksgiving, I made my Mema's cinnamon rolls. These rolls could cure cancer (well, I haven't tried that yet) but they are delicious. So tasty that Mema made them for me the week before I moved to Haiti so I could have an early Thanksgiving with her and Pepa. Got it? If I could only eat one thing the rest of my life, I would pick Mema's cinnamon rolls.

Beth found Crisco for me, and my ingredients were all collected. Paige came over to help me on Wednesday night, the ipod was on shuffle, diet coke was in the fridge. Good times had to occur.

Well, I start baking...
1) I only have 6 teaspoons of yeast instead of 9.
2) I only have normal sugar, when the recipe calls for brown sugar too.

I figured I could keep going... how important is yeast anyway? Everything is going good.

Until Paige beats the 4 eggs and pours them into the boiling Crisco, water, sugar, yeast mixture. THE WATER WAS BOILING.

It wasn't her fault. I wasn't completely clear that I had to turn the heat down before adding the eggs.

3) The 4 eggs scrambled in the boiling water. Scrambled eggs.

Most people (OK, everyone) would have given up at this point. Not I. My feelings about these rolls overwhelmed me and took control. Should I have given up? Yes. Did I miss my family immensely? Yes. So I trucked on.



I strained the scrambled eggs out of the very important sugar-yeast mixture and made the dough like nothing was wrong. Stayed up rolling cinnamon rolls and cutting them until 2 in the morning. Put them in the fridge to cool. Then unplugged the fridge so the batteries wouldn't drain (and, therefore, not cool the cinnamon rolls). Got up at 6 to let them rise before baking. Put the UNLEAVENED cinnamon rolls in the oven. Pulled them out. Shed some tears and fed them to the dogs.



Happy Thanksgiving Mema. I tried my best.