L-O-S-T

No, not the show. 

After praying about CEM, picturing myself living in northern California (which I definitely can) counseling girls that have gone through so much pain and suffering, thinking/worrying about not getting paid for a year even with a bachelor's degree... that door has closed. It is an amazing program and the work they do is so important in the kingdom of God; however, if I am really trying to find God's will and follow it, I don't think it leads me to CEM. And I"m trying to be okay with that.

I wish I could be an EMT and work overseas for a year. Or work at Parkland for a year and live at home until I leave for med school. I'm not sure exactly what I want to do, and that sucks. And I need to figure it out before december 1st, when tons of grad school applications are due. That means I have exactly 2 weeks to decide so I have time to asks profs for letters of recommendation... go ahead and shoot me now! Actually that might work, if someone would shoot me in the left knee and i could go ahead and that one replaced and save me tons of pain! Ok, that's the new plan for now.

I'm ready to leave Lubbock/Tech behind, but not the people I know and love that will still be here after I graduate. I think maybe that's why this is so hard. I am having to decide this way before any of my friends are, and again, it sucks. But whatever, another lightbulb might turn on in my head and this time it will be God flipping the switch instead of me searching for a quick answer! That sounds mature right?

Oh, I'm not engaged/dating anyone right now. So, when I get the usual "Oh my, and you're graduating in May?" question/look, it is getting hard to not reply with an "up yours." But, I understand that my view of God, and His ability to not fit in people's little narrow-minded boxes, is so much better than what they think I should do with my life. Do I have to be attached to a member of the male species for God to do work through me? NO. Plain and simple. Thank you, Jesus, for opening my eyes to how much bigger You are than my lack of romance and inability to see why so many Christian women think they are incomplete without a man by their sides. And He is working on me so that I can talk to them without thinking how ridiculous they are and how they just don't get the glory of Christ. Jesus is working in me and I'm letting Him for once, which feels pretty good.

Study time. Biochemistry and Borders, Boundaries, and Militarization. I shall return after the wedding shenanigans and will definitely have stories to tell... get excited!

Becker

In my normal embracing insomnia routine, I turn on the TV... and Becker happens to be on. I used to watch this show with Granny when I stayed with her in Euless, mainly because my parents wouldn't let me watch it at home as a youngster with a morphable mind. I start remembering things from the past and everything I should've done in our relationship. Not go on that camping trip, with people I have no relationship with anymore, the weekend before she died. Drive the 45 minutes to see her instead of taking a nap or going to a stupid soccer practice. Share my testimony with her. Make sure she knew I had turned my life around. Tell her how many things we have in common and and how important I felt when I was around her...

Then I realize all these feelings apply to my walk with Christ. How much time I waste lying in bed watching The Office or rereading my favorite books instead of growing in my walk and increasing in my knowledge of Him. How I should tell Him what a great change He has made in my life, how I couldn't possibly be the same without Him. How He gives me purpose and importance in this life, even when being constantly hounded by those around me. How I should share my testimony no matter how much it hurts for me to tell it. How much time, in general, I've wasted in my life just worrying about what I'm going to do next.

I'm not going to make some silly promise that I'm changing all that business. I'm not naive enough anymore to believe that statement, especially when I think it. But I am going to start taking small steps to re-evaluate my walk with Christ. Let's start with the anxiety...

I graduate in May. I didn't feel right about applying to med school for this application cycle, so I'm waiting to apply until next October; therefore, I have exactly one year from May to do something with my life having a college degree. Of course, that is based on the fact that I will get into med school the first time I apply... which could be wishful thinking on my part. I have been looking at grad school, the Peacecorps, Journeyman, and other international mission trips that would last approximately a year or so. Then I found it- what I want to do with that year. It's like a light bulb turned on in my head and in my heart at the same time. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. if I had just trusted in Him the whole time, all this time worrying could have been spent furthering His kingdom... I'm such a loser!

So here it is... Christian Encounter Ministries. I was googling my options and it popped up Number One. Just reading the introduction gave me some goosebumps- no joke. I could intern here for the year, or for 9 months, if God wants me to. I think it would be awesome and would definitely help me in missions later in life. So, if you would like to pray for that, be my guest. It would be much much much appreciated!

Christen, I miss you. I wish I had enough money to come up for a visit but you know how college is on the money front. I'm proud of you for noticing God's plan might not include teaching for you. Thanks for having the courage to tell me that. It's refreshing that you can realize your degree might not be in something you actually end up doing for the rest of your life. I wish I had that strength! Lu and your hunky hubby! :)

I miss Amanda, but she is coming home sooner than I think. And Spencer's end of freedom happens in a little less than 3 weeks... wow. It is coming up soon... I hope I look good in that dress! That also means I will be home at that time, which I am super excited about. When I graduated high school, I was so ready for escape the confines of Mesquite, only to get trapped by the confines of Lubbock... I never would've imagined how much I welcome the site of the first Mesquite exit off 635. It is a joyous feeling for sure!

"That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2nd Corinthians 4:16-18