Weddings

I haven't seen my ENTIRE family since Christmas (or longer for some), so coming into this weekend I was little nervous. Their lives have changed and so has mine. Will we all still mesh well? Will it be awkward? Will I have to answer tons of questions or speculate whether Haiti will ever recover?

My cousin, Amanda, married funny guy, Kevin, yesterday. And it was such a blessing to see everybody in one place, at one time, to celebrate one life-changing event. It reminded me just how important family is, and how, even when miles and earthquakes and time separate us, some parts of life stay the same. The love never changes, just the circumstances surrounding it.

Cranium Kids: employer.
Mesquite, TX: current location.
It's complicated: relationship status.
Mexican: comfort food.
No idea: future plans.

I wake up each morning with a new, crazy idea in my head. At least I think it's new, until I get out of bed, get ready for work and realize "Viv, you thought this exact same thing yesterday... what is wrong with you?"

My new job is awesome. Teaching 2-5 yr. olds how to use computers doesn't sound very enjoyable, but it is. "Ms. Vivee, your shoes are very nice." "Ms. Vivee, my clicker finger hurts, can I borrow yours?" "I don't feel like saying vocabulary today, Ms. Vivee, can we just skip to the game?" The kids I work with are so adorable and innocent. None of them know, or could understand, about my experience 2+ months ago. It is my escape each day, and I get paid for it... what could be better?

Moving back home has been an adjustment for everyone involved. Especially with no car. My parents have been super supportive and understanding and have given me space (and the use of their cars). However, because I overachieved and didn't like my alma mater until my last semester and graduated a year early, none of my closest friends are home. So I'm alone. At least I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do when I get off work!

I wanted to write "my emotional stability has increased in the past four months" but that isn't true: I have no stability, besides my job. I no longer have total security in my faith or beliefs. Things I saw, and things I had to do, in that soccer field the night of the earthquake have changed me in ways I cannot explain to myself or anyone else. I'm struggling and taking it out on people I love, which is what always happens right?

Applications for Physician Assistant school open in the middle of April, so that's my plan for now. Don't know where I'm applying but hopefully I can figure that out within the next month or so. I am employed in the DFW area until August, so I will be here until then. After that, who knows...

Transitions

The earthquake changed millions of people's lives. Drastically. Hundreds of thousands lost their lives and many will never have the proper burial and their families may never get closure. Homes lost. Limbs lost. Old lives and ways of life are gone.

What I am going through is so minuscule compared to the Haitian people. Yes, I have no idea where God wants me or what He wants me to do, and I'm grieving: for everything I have seen; things I had to do the night of the earthquake and the days and weeks following; for the Haitian people who lost everything in that fraction of time... but I had the opportunity to get out of the chaos and come home to a different brand of crazy.

I knew that no one here would understand. Their lives weren't changed at all. Maybe their hearts were softened for Haitians and they donated money or goods, and maybe even went down and helped for a few weeks. I wasn't expecting people to empathize, which made the move a little easier. If you have low expectations you will rarely be disappointed! But I was totally embraced by my Texas support system. Very few people expected me to be pre-quake Vivien. Most people knew I was dealing with emotions and feelings and thoughts I had never dealt with before, and gave me the space I needed.

Transparency is an important part of community. I have never felt comfortable sharing my pain and sorrows and heartache with the church I grew up at. Too many people have witnessed me deal with pain and have thought "she is dealing so well." I have dealt with grief and extreme/intense pain before, but nothing like this. On Sunday night, while speaking at my church, I was overcome with the need to tell them that I was broken. That I was going to be completely honest and open with them about my experiences in Haiti, and that probably would make them uncomfortable. Total, brutal honesty is not a common thing in church... which seems ironic to me. Church should be the place where we are most open and broken in front of people. So I was. And the outpouring of prayers, tears and support from everyone in the sanctuary was overwhelming. They even cancelled the business meeting, which might have been the first time in Baptist history.

God is using this time and my experiences to teach me about openness and complete reliance on Him, even though I thought I had been that way before the earthquake. I wish I knew where I would be a year from now, or even next week, but I am learning to accept that I have absolutely no control and that Someone who loves, and cares about, me more than anyone else is in total control.

Two weeks

It is weird thinking back 13 days to pre-earthquake time... I was unpacking my bags from Christmas break in Texas, playing soccer inside with Isaac and Hope and Noah, watching Batman movies and answering tons of questions in the middle... life has completely changed. And I'm not injured or homeless or wondering where my next meal is coming from. Life in Haiti was full of difficulties and challenges and sadness and sorrow and hope before January 12, but now it seems there is more hope than ever before.

So many miracles, and signs that God is here, are happening at the Heartline clinic, and there are so many other clinics operating around the country... hope is alive here. And it's growing.


Haiti will be restored one day, hopefully better and more stable than before. I have no idea when it will happen. Some people are saying years from now, others give no timeline at all. I do know that Haitians are resilient and have a much greater sense of daily thankfulness to God than I do. Maybe that's why I was sent here to be part of this... to learn to be thankful to Him in everything. In the ups and downs, not just the ups.


I am thankful to be in Haiti today, to experience this life-changing event and thankful to know God is changing me through this. I am thankful for a place to come home to every night and to have people here who are all experiencing the same things as I am. I am thankful for supportive family and friends in the states. Most of all I am thankful for a Savior who never gives up on me or anyone, who saves the wretched, weak sinners and turns us into new creations made for His work on earth. I am thankful to be a woman in the kingdom of God.

Shaky

Blessed is the understatement of my life right now.

The last major aftershock happened at 2ish this morning. It was massive. But we are still here.

Worked at a clinic the night of the quake and the day after. Can't tell you what I saw or how many people I sutured up.

Please continue praying for those still trapped, those suffering with wounds (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and those who lost loved ones. Also pray for supplies and those trying help.

We can feel your prayers and are very thankful for them. If you want to donate somehow or help in some way, please go to worldwidevillage.org or heartlineministries.org or the red cross. We need diesel, water, food and medicine (like Lidocaine, Tylenol, NSAIDS, etc) and medical supplies (gauze, tape, hydrogen peroxide, betadine, suturing equipment/tools).

I am saved by grace through faith...

From afar

I returned to Dallas last Monday and haven't stopped whirling. Until right now, a week later. Only two weeks left then back to Haiti and the kids I miss sooo much!

Within this first week, I got to enjoy meeting new family and had some official Mema's cinnamon rolls. Received games to bring back to Port and a new scarf... which obviously isn't needed where I live.

Got to see a friend from London and my Marine friend back from a second tour in Iraq/Afghanistan. It was weird: all three of us overseas in such different situations. Cool and good, but weird.

My oldest brother lives at home again, so it has been a fantastic people-watching exercise in my own living room.

I have only had to bite my tongue about 400 times to keep from screaming 'YOU ARE SHALLOW' and 'GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN YOUR VERSION OF HIM'. Four hundred isn't too bad for my town, so I'm counting my blessings.

I saw snow on Christmas Eve and had to wear a sweater to my grandparents' house on Christmas day... a first for me on both accounts. I'm missing my hot weather home.

You're a $%##%*&ary?

I had a Haitian adventure on Saturday.


Corrie and I got into a car with a guy we knew a little bit and a guy we didn't know at all. We told them we just wanted to escape Tabarre for awhile and see different parts of the city. We were gone all day. Went up to the mountains. Walked inside a fort. Stopped in a village and ate plantains. Went somewhere super high and took pictures at sunset. The guys bought us flowers. It wasn't relaxing like we had hoped but it was so much fun.


On one of our stops, we got cokes in a place where missionaries wearing bonnets can be commonly found. Our newly met friend was talking about Haiti and why he loves his country and how he hates going to America, etc. He continues to say, "what, you're a missionary or something?" with some expletives thrown in.

I have never been stared at that hard in my life. Even as a ghost living in Haiti.


We left pretty quickly and piled into his car, only to turn on the radio and have music full of dirt spewing from the speakers.

It was interesting to say the least. Especially when he told us, while speeding through town with no lights on, he wants to become a pastor because "they make the money!"

I bet he hasn't read Pagan Christianity.

We call it "the SUN"

For Paige's 15th birthday, I had the awesome privilege of joining the Livesay fam on the beach. It was gorgeous. Found some dead jellies. Stepped on a sea urchin (I had shoes on... no worries). Swam in crystal blue water. Took funny pictures with Paige and the kids. Smelled beef jerky all day.


Speaking of pictures...

As Paige and I were walking back from another beach, two Asian men were laying in skivvies. These two had been next to the family all day, even in a completely open restaurant the waiter sat us right next to these guys. Anyway, we are walking by and laughing at some bad comment I made, and one of the men calls me over. Asks me to take him and his friend's picture. I stand so the sun isn't blaring but that wasn't good enough for them... the silent one (so far) says "No no no. Get in front of this light. The good light. We call it 'the sun'."


I started choking on laughter and took the picture. Then they wanted a picture with Paige and I, and we happily obliged.

Do I look like I don't speak English? And didn't I answer them when they asked me to take a picture?


Interesting, fun, relaxing day with a beautiful 15 year old and her beautiful family. I am lucky.

Everyone misses Mema...

So, as my contribution to Haitian Thanksgiving, I made my Mema's cinnamon rolls. These rolls could cure cancer (well, I haven't tried that yet) but they are delicious. So tasty that Mema made them for me the week before I moved to Haiti so I could have an early Thanksgiving with her and Pepa. Got it? If I could only eat one thing the rest of my life, I would pick Mema's cinnamon rolls.

Beth found Crisco for me, and my ingredients were all collected. Paige came over to help me on Wednesday night, the ipod was on shuffle, diet coke was in the fridge. Good times had to occur.

Well, I start baking...
1) I only have 6 teaspoons of yeast instead of 9.
2) I only have normal sugar, when the recipe calls for brown sugar too.

I figured I could keep going... how important is yeast anyway? Everything is going good.

Until Paige beats the 4 eggs and pours them into the boiling Crisco, water, sugar, yeast mixture. THE WATER WAS BOILING.

It wasn't her fault. I wasn't completely clear that I had to turn the heat down before adding the eggs.

3) The 4 eggs scrambled in the boiling water. Scrambled eggs.

Most people (OK, everyone) would have given up at this point. Not I. My feelings about these rolls overwhelmed me and took control. Should I have given up? Yes. Did I miss my family immensely? Yes. So I trucked on.



I strained the scrambled eggs out of the very important sugar-yeast mixture and made the dough like nothing was wrong. Stayed up rolling cinnamon rolls and cutting them until 2 in the morning. Put them in the fridge to cool. Then unplugged the fridge so the batteries wouldn't drain (and, therefore, not cool the cinnamon rolls). Got up at 6 to let them rise before baking. Put the UNLEAVENED cinnamon rolls in the oven. Pulled them out. Shed some tears and fed them to the dogs.



Happy Thanksgiving Mema. I tried my best.

Time flies when you're...?

I can distinctly remember walking off the plane in Port au Prince and asking God, out loud, "what the crap am I doing here?"

Now, after births and teaching classes on HIV and first aid and teaching school everyday, I only have a month left before Christmas break.

I have been able to witness so much in so little time.

This week is Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. I am definitely going to miss my Texas (and Iowa) family on Thursday, but the Heartline family is having Thanksgiving at the Buxmans, so I will be in good company.

I am going to hate missing out on black Friday deals though... oh well. My dad will have to go with my mom at 5am Friday. Should be an interesting experience for him.

Please continue praying for Jessica and her mom, Kris. Two great women in need of support, encouragement, love and prayers to Jesus.

-when you're... having fun/having new experiences/meeting new people/learning about Christ/meeting people where they are/ take your pick!

Prayer

My friend Jessica needs as much prayer as possible. Please, please, please.

We were born on the same day, in the same hospital. Went to the same schools growing up. Were in the same drumline.

Jess needs prayer, support, thoughts, good vibes, whatever. Her mom, Kris, needs them too.

Oh America, I don't miss you...

A HUGE waste. How many people would benefit from this money in Dallas alone? The $63 million already raised could help millions of lives on the border, in east Texas, El Paso... not to forget the rest of America and the WORLD.



Things like this make me sick.



I don't miss American 'Christianity'.


Not.one.bit.

I'm searching for a Biblical basis for this monstrosity, but it isn't there. Maybe because Jesus didn't save us to build megachurches to reach people: He wants us to live like He lived...

The Jesus I know wouldn't want it.

School is for suckers

I love my job.

Homesick.

I'm going through a period of missing people. I waited for as long as possible to put up pictures from home in my room here. I made it until Thursday.

It doesn't help when you're sick and your mom is 1795 miles away. I'm getting better though, slowly.

School is going super well, and I love what I do with Heartline on Tuesdays and sometimes Thursdays.


Time for Criminal Minds with Paige and Megan... but they are sitting far away from me!

Damages

Everyone has chains keeping them connected with the life they lived before Christ opened their eyes and changed them forever. Past struggles and pains have made us into who we are; however, if we truly, sincerely, whole-heartedly believe that Jesus wipes away our past and gives us a new future in Him, why do we continually use our baggage as an excuse to not do what He has called us to do?

I moved to Haiti because I knew God wanted me here for this phase of life. I moved to help a missionary family. I moved because I didn't want to go to grad school and didn't know what I was going to do instead. I moved because I had nothing holding me to Texas anymore... WHATEVER.

I came because it was an easy out. I know, sounds weird/insane to consider moving here 'easy'. My heart was a mess and I didn't want to deal with what was floating inside my head. Really, moving was nothing. I wasn't nervous. I was excited to escape for awhile. To experience something on my own, something no one in my family has done. Something I have dreamed of doing since Mrs. Houser wore her African dress and spoke about learning Swahili during a Vacation Bible School in 3rd grade.

Escape has not come. If anything, Port au Prince has been the opposite. This city makes me see my own depravity in a way I couldn't have at home. Port makes me examine my relationship with Christ everyday and focus on the walls I have built so that I could still hold onto those chains. Granted, if I would have sought out Jesus at home He would've have worked in me and probably shown me the same things about myself. But I didn't do it.

It has taken me five years to get to this point. I still have a tight grip on my luggage, but I'm slowly letting go.

I receive weekly emails from my church in Lubbock and this week's was an intense slap in the face:

"Bitterness is more lethal than betrayal. Betrayal happens to you; bitterness happens in you. Betrayal is what is done by others to you. Bitterness is what you do to yourself. Scripture talks about “the root of bitterness springing up and defiling.” You can recover from betrayal but bitterness is a different story. Many today have experienced betrayal by a mate, friend, co-worker or someone who was a confidant. A relationship turning sour is painful. While Jesus sat and ate with his disciples he made these remarks, “One of you will betray me.” Betray disguised in a kiss - what a blow. Yet Jesus was unfazed by it refusing to become bitter.

'Stop being bitter and angry and mad at others. Don't yell at one another or curse each other or ever be rude.' Ephesians 4:31

Bitter-free living, it doesn’t get any better than that. Forgive and cancel the debt. Remove all words of bitterness from future conversations. Stop nursing the grudge. Bitterness won’t leave on its own. You must send it away. Bitterness is overcome by the most powerful “ness” called forgiveness. May your days ahead be marked by joyfulness."

Amen.

Let me see that tootsie roll!

The Livesays have returned, and Megan and I are happy. It was fun to be a parent for twelve days, and I even got to be a 1am nightmare comforter, but believe me when I say "Praise Jesus for Troy and Tara."

In their packing expertise, I received: 1. Package from my mom (including raspberry lemonade mixes, tootsie roll pops, Woolite, cartoons, gum, vitamins, granola bars and a sweet card); 2. new underwear!; 3. Halloween candy (which will be used for the tiny Livesay fam October 31st celebration... I'm not totally selfish); 4. a Minnesotan apple, which Tara claims is the best apple on Earth; 5. Spanish textbooks (also from my mom); 6. MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF TOOTSIE ROLLS. I'm talking over 250 chocolate delights that I will consider sharing with the right person.

I'm in a great mood! And I watched the newest Office episode and almost wet my pants laughing so hard... watch it. Please. You will be in tears.

A dance video is being put together from the past two weeks... it will be uploaded when the internet decides to cooperate. WELCOME BACK: Troy, Tara, Paige, Isaac, and Noah! Enjoy changing diapers again! :)

Was that Renald?

I spend very little time at my house right now, but when I am here, Renald is too. He generally runs around the table, dragging stickers behind him, and cries. However, last night a funny thing happened...

He farted. Not just a quiet, little fart. A huge one. Megan and I laughed for an extended period of time. He didn't know what do, so he started running around and screaming. It was hilarious. Turns out it wasn't just noise. Oh well. Worth the laugh.

I began the potty-training adventure whole-heartedly, only to be annihilated by Phoebe's uncanny way of not answering questions. She understands what to do, and has even used the toilet successfully multiple times; however, once toilet water has been splashed all over the floor, myself, and her monkey, I have hit my limit. Yes, I hate changing her massive poopy diapers... but Tara and Troy return on Friday and it won't be my job anymore. :) Goodbye $100. I got close.

Today was fun. Hope read half of One Fish, Two Fish before lunch and did a terrific job. She is super excited to see the fam return. I did her hair today... it is interesting. She loves it though, so I guess I did okay.

We danced, we ate, we jumped, we watched Criminal Minds, we played dress-up, we took silly pictures, and we didn't poop in the toilet.

Diri

Hope is learning to appreciate classic movies this week. And we are beginning with my favorite: Hitchcock's Rear Window.

In other news, Lydia is herself this week. She probably misses her parents but she is not showing it.


Teaching is going very well with just Hopie. We get to spend extra time with reading and she is super pumped to read a book to Tara and Troy when they get back!

I'm trying to figure out my post-Haiti future. Not because I want to but because health insurance wants me to. So, I need some prayer. Thanks in advance.

Leaving you with some Livesay fun...

And day two begins!

From Hope: "I love Hope, singing senior." She is being extra silly today :) Told me I have the weirdest voice ever.


We did actually get tons of school done today. Lots of giggling and discussing of booty sizes. But we accomplished something.

Day one went very smoothly without the 'big eaters' of the Livesay clan. Mac and cheese, peanut butter sandwiches. Renald peeing on my shirt. Fun times. I think we are doing noodles tonight.

"Time to carboload!" - Michael Gary Scott

Leaving on a jet plane

My house is out of power tonight. Megan and I are sleeping at the Livesay's to try to maintain some sanity before they leave for forever tomorrow. Not forever... only ten days. That's what they say anyway. They are leaving the diapered ones with me and Megan so why return?

This majorly planned, mapped out, Minnesotan journey will be a learning experience. Living in Haiti, speaking minimal Kreyol and helping manage 5 kids. Oh, I'm potty-training Phoebe while they are gone... did I say learning experience already?


Tara is running the marathon on Sunday and has raised over $50k for malnourished Haitian kids. I wish I could be there to cheer her on BUT I am staying here to help the younger ones cheer her on in spirit. The plan is to post a daily update, hopefully with a video, to prove everyone is still alive and wishing for air conditioning.

Pray for Tara and her sister, Tina, as they run on Sunday. Pray for people to keep donating to save even more kids with Medika Mamba. Pray that the Livesays make it to the States in one piece and that they return with a buttload of tootsie rolls. Pray for Paige's speech about Renald at the banquet on Sunday night. And, if you think about, pray for Jerrone, Minuchska, Megan and myself. But only after you have prayed for those before us!