BETTER

The new school year has gotten off to an amazing start...

1) Spencer and Brianna are engaged. And I was a part of it.

2) Classes are killer but, for now, I still want to be a doctor.

3) My apartment is awesome.

4) Working at Freebirds... ok.

5) Money is tight, but I'm happy.

My friend Samantha's uncle is getting me a doctor to shadow. I'm super pumped about that. My grandmother turns 75 in October, what a milestone. I hope I will live as full a life as she has. I miss Amanda and Christen, but I am getting along fine out here in the greater Lubbock area. I've never had satellite television, and now I do. It's an interesting experience. And I got a free ipod out of it... sweet!

Until November- Vivien

I've Got the Bad News Blues

A friend at church told me today he has lung cancer. Has he ever smoked a cigarette in his entire life? No. He hasn't. And doctors don't think chemotherapy will help him anymore. He finds out Tuesday what stage he is at.

Oh yeah, I also found out a different friend of mine has HIV.

Great day.

Don't drink and drive. You can drink, I have no problem with that. Just give me the car keys. Or call me and I will come get your keys from you and take you home. No matter where you are. I will drive hours. Don't worry about the gas money. I won't even ask you for it later when you're sober. Money doesn't matter if your life and others' lives are saved.

Please. No more broken hearts because of one too many empty bottles on the table. Life is too important to throw away on a night of stupid decisions.

Hopefully with the Father: Josh Cotton. January 28, 1983-July 1, 2007. Saddle Tramp. Texas Tech Graduate 2006 , Mechanical Engineering.

Think. Thats all I'm asking. And use this number at all hours of the night: (972) 742-7934.

Dearest Bill Walker,

I'm doing great. My studies are progressing, and I am doing terrific in those as well.

I will be coming over soon for a roping lesson in your backyard. Tell Mrs.Gail I love her.

Love, Vivien.

p.s. was this a good entry? sound cheery enough? :)

Learning

The key to living life, the key to knowing the deepest wells of hope and joy, are not found when all is well: they are found when we trust when all goes wrong.

May all our wells run deep.

It is unavoidable. We are going to suffer. We are going to be obedient and things are going to go wrong. We are going to do exactly what god tells us to do and its not going to end up like we want it to. But the question you are going to have to answer, not with your mind but with your heart, is do you trust Him. At the core of who you are, do you think God is good or do you think that He is evil? Do you own the faith that would say "if this goes wrong," for the rest of my life I believe that He is good. Because the answer and foundation of real life, the kind of life that leaves existence behind and becomes all that God created us to walk in, is not found in wealth and comfort but in trust and faith.

When is the last time you went to church and someone told you that sometimes life sucks?

Ahh, that our wells would go deep, that our hearts could trust Him, even when it all goes wrong. The only other option is to rail against Him.

Some of us have bought into some really crazy thoughts that, because things have gone wrong for us, we've obviously angered God or that we've sinned somehow and this is why God's doing this to us. If you are caught in that trap, you run from God instead of run to Him.

--Matt Chandler

Me: When God teaches me a lesson, it doesn't come quietly or slowly. He slams me in the face.

Why must God continually prove himself to me? Why can't I retain and practice the lesson I have been slammed with over and over?

Why do I constantly rely on my plans, instead of God's, while fully knowing that nothing I put into place will come to fulfillment without His will, influence, and power? Why does He keep working on me, even when I am an unceasing disappointment?

I do not deserve anything, much less the love of an enormous God who loves and cherishes me regardless of: the pastiness of my skin or the number of pimples on my face or the fact that I constantly question Him about my future husband and why I cannot seem to find him or my neverending worries about my family or my inability to say no to people even when I'm beyond exhaustion or my utter lack of faith in ever finding a cure or my insatiable thirst to understand my life and how I can somehow save the world from self destructing, even though I completely comprehend that it already has been saved.

Whoa, listed almost all my insecurities in a nonchalant sorta way.

Back with my face in the dirt. Beginning life without certain constants I have been relying on for the past 10 months.

Back to a different beginning and excited about where it will lead.

just normalcy

Apparently my previous posts have left questions unanswered, and some of my adoring fans have quietly given advice on how to find those answers I just can't seem to find.

Everyday someone gives me a piece of advice, either needed and heeded or completely out of line. I don't deserve to be treated like a child who has no control over her physical and emotional well-being. I choose when and if to take my medicine. I decide where and when I go to the doctor. And no, this disease is not "all in my head."

No matter how much my parents and I want to believe this is true, positive thoughts will not cure me. And the comment "just thinking bright thoughts will make you feel better" is a big, stinky bag of bologna.

So, just don't do it. If someone in your life is going through a rough patch, just listen. Don't give advice. I promise they probably don't want to hear it... if they do, they will ask you.

And, for heaven's sake, do not tell someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer or some other form of disease that they "are being punished for unconfessed sin" in their lives. Unless it is a venereal disease, then maybe.

While we are on the topic of suffering... Jesus never promised believers that life would be easy and happy. The form of Christianity being sold today, at least out here in LBK, is that once you accept Christ, your life will alter completely and all the bad stuff will disappear. Partly true. Life does change completely. But bad stuff doesn't just become invisible.

And where, exactly, in the Bible does it say that unconfessed sin will bring about an incurable, painful disease? And where does it say that Christians have the right to judge others, fellow believers or nonbelievers, according to their unconfessed sins and previous life experiences? Anyone know? Care to enlighten me?

STRANGE: I find that my closest moments with God are when I can't move my legs to get out of bed in the morning, or when my stomach hurts so badly I can barely breathe. I've begun to notice that when I think my walk is the strongest it has ever been, a newer, tougher trial comes and knocks me back down to the ground.

Life just does not make sense sometimes, and you have to learn to roll with the punches.

I guess I'm rolling all over the place.

Moral: think before you speak to someone suffering.

One Month Later...

I'm sticking to Tech. Not transferring. Going to finish in three years and get far away from this place.

On a positive note, my place of residence next fall has a fireplace in the kitchen. Yep, I'm pretty pumped.

By the end of the summer I will be a year ahead of my normal graduation date. So terrific.

Work is great. Paychecks are even greater.

Visiting a new church on Sunday. Dad and PePaw have been bugging me to visit so I will placate them. I think one reason they want me to go is to meet some new fellas. Preferably good ones. And they figure church is a good place to start. However, every guy I have ever dated has been a church fella... not saying much there. Really. Not saying much at all.

I get to visit my preferred institution of higher education (A&M) next weekend and stay with my vegetable-loving friend Christen. I miss her so much, and a break from Lubbock is already needed... and I know, I just got back from spring break but, unless you are out here, you can't say anything.

Family Promise was interesting last night... took some girls with me from our philosophy class and they were fun to watch. All three of us got puked on (the left thigh of my jeans is stained pink) and slapped in the face. And, we decided to get our tubes tied at the ripe age of, well, now. Vivien + kids = no way in hades. Or, at least, kids that misbehave and slap young women.

I'm taking interesting courses in the fall:
1) Sociology of Marriage. I wonder how the secular view of marriage will coincide with the Biblical view?
2) Alcohol, Drugs, and Society. Hmm. I'm loving sociology.
3) Yoga. Yeah, pretty excited.
4) Honors Organic Chem... not so much.
5) Honors Biology.... not so much.
6) Honors Public Speaking. I wonder if anyone will want to hear about lupus? Can I use my speeches from high school? I hope so.
7) Organic lab, Biology Lab

So, taking 18 hours plus working 25 hours per week should be a unique combination.

Goodbye life... med school here I come!

General Disappointment and Discouragement

You have my heart, and I am Yours forever. You are my strength, God of grace and power. And everything You hold in Your hand... still you make time for me- I can't understand.

Praise you, God of earth and sky, how beautiful is Your unfailing love. And You never change, God, You remain the holy one... and my unfailing love.

What can take a dying man, raise him up to life again? What can heal the wounded soul, what can make us white as snow? What can fill the emptiness, what can mend our brokenness?

It's a miracle to me, and it's still a mystery... the power of God for those who believe.

I want to know You and the power of Your resurrection, of reflection shining through me. I want to see Your glory burning in my soul forever. Oh Jesus, reveal Yourself to me.

Open my eyes and I will see. Open my heart and I'll believe. Draw me to Your higher ways.

One would think these lyrics to be of some encouragement to a believer going through a rough patch of life; however, it is quite the contrary for Miss V. Ingram.

The people who wrote these songs, and sang them for that matter, were following their call from God to witness through musical and writing abilities. They embraced their gifts and shared them with others. They had the gaul to do it. To step aside from life for awhile and follow whatever path the Lord had set for them to follow.

I bet their fathers had objections, and their mothers shed tears over their possible leave of absence from college. But, I also bet their families supported them in whatever decisions they made. I bet their parents didn't put them in the position I'm currently in.

Maybe I'm wrong... maybe I do need to get my freaking degree so God can use me? Kinda sounds like trash to me. Can't He use everyone who is willing?

And, if that previous statement is true (which I believe it is), and my heart is passionate about foreign missions... should I have to get my degree before being able to do longterm missions work overseas?

Oh, He uses willing hearts for His glory... and "my time will come." I know.

I fully believe my time is now, to not finish college and go serve others. How can I sit here, in Lubbock, for the next two and a half years of my life, knowing that I could be showing God's love to the orphans in Africa or handing out HIV/AIDS supplies and treatment to women in Uganda, Ghana, and Kenya?

Will I be able to look at myself in the mirror, knowing that I'm called to not be in the United States but stuck here anyway?

Yes, I know. Take advantage of the opportunities God has given you right now. Be the witness at Freebirds, where every other word uttered is a cuss word. Where no religious shirts or foil art is permitted. Be a witness at Family Promise. Show the homeless people you love them, regardless of their socioeconomic status or current hygiene level. Continue to love your brother. Show God's patience and understanding with your roommate.

He is using me right here. And I probably don't even know how.

But I hate it. I hate obeying when I feel it is completely wrong.

There everyone. That's what I have been struggling with since my last post.

Peace.

Hmm... interesting day.

WARNING... BRUTALLY HONEST ENTRY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE A COMMENT TO TELL ME THAT I SHOULDN'T QUESTION GOD OR THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MY HOPES UP... DON'T READ IT. OR DON'T LEAVE A COMMENT.


So, my plans for this summer have been... well, abolished.

You see, I applied and got accepted into the study abroad program in Kenya only to be informed that I could not go. I got a letter of acceptance and within the same day found out that my medication keeps me from going.

A disease that I have no control over, and can never control, keeps me from my dream. Again.

Yes, this sounds angry and perturbed and upset and selfish. I am. And I know I shouldn't be because this somehow fits into God's ultimate plan for my life. But it would be freaking awesome if He would just tell me how getting my hopes up and telling everyone about this mission oppportunity then letting my body take it away from me will benefit me. I wish He would just look down, pick me up in His giant hands (well, I picture them as huge), carry me for awhile, talk to me and show me where I will be in ten years, then set me back down. But not in Lubbock or in Texas or anywhere familiar to me. That's why I was so ecstatic about Kenya. It was somewhere new, somewhere God has laid on my heart to be a missionary in since eighth grade.

And I know, my mission field is obviously Texas Tech. Why else would I be here? Seriously, don't tell me that.

Maybe God just needed a good laugh at my expense? I think He laughs at us. In fact, I know He has a sense of humor. Why else would I promise myself that I would NEVER live in Lubbock- and yet here I am?

Ugh, I'm just so sick of letting myself believe I am actually, kind of on God's track for my life then something coming to a crashing halt or stupendous let-down.

It sucks. And I'm not over it yet. But healing will come in time. And that is one thing that God has to keep pushing in my face. He heals all things in time. Not in my time or my parents time or my doctors' time. His time.

I just wish His time would hurry up.