WARNING... BRUTALLY HONEST ENTRY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE A COMMENT TO TELL ME THAT I SHOULDN'T QUESTION GOD OR THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MY HOPES UP... DON'T READ IT. OR DON'T LEAVE A COMMENT.
So, my plans for this summer have been... well, abolished.
You see, I applied and got accepted into the study abroad program in Kenya only to be informed that I could not go. I got a letter of acceptance and within the same day found out that my medication keeps me from going.
A disease that I have no control over, and can never control, keeps me from my dream. Again.
Yes, this sounds angry and perturbed and upset and selfish. I am. And I know I shouldn't be because this somehow fits into God's ultimate plan for my life. But it would be freaking awesome if He would just tell me how getting my hopes up and telling everyone about this mission oppportunity then letting my body take it away from me will benefit me. I wish He would just look down, pick me up in His giant hands (well, I picture them as huge), carry me for awhile, talk to me and show me where I will be in ten years, then set me back down. But not in Lubbock or in Texas or anywhere familiar to me. That's why I was so ecstatic about Kenya. It was somewhere new, somewhere God has laid on my heart to be a missionary in since eighth grade.
And I know, my mission field is obviously Texas Tech. Why else would I be here? Seriously, don't tell me that.
Maybe God just needed a good laugh at my expense? I think He laughs at us. In fact, I know He has a sense of humor. Why else would I promise myself that I would NEVER live in Lubbock- and yet here I am?
Ugh, I'm just so sick of letting myself believe I am actually, kind of on God's track for my life then something coming to a crashing halt or stupendous let-down.
It sucks. And I'm not over it yet. But healing will come in time. And that is one thing that God has to keep pushing in my face. He heals all things in time. Not in my time or my parents time or my doctors' time. His time.
I just wish His time would hurry up.
Playground
12 years ago
4 comments:
Well, geez, Viv. It's because you didn't pray enough, switch back to the King James Version of the Bible, and volunteer at the church at least 15 hours a week (insert other stupid things people say here).
It sucks. It just sucks. It also make no sense. You're called to missions, but you can't go. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.
There's nothing I can say to comfort you, because you already know what little there is to say. So, I'll just be sad with you.
Sucks.
Christine's right . . . it does suck. Big time!
I am with you. I certainly don't understand God's timing or reasoning, at least not very often. I know that He does have an awesome plan for your life and we will all stand back and be amazed by HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD! Just know that I love you and will continue to pray for you.
sorry viv i know you really wanted to go but God has a plan for your summer
love ya
kayla
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