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Strawberry Chapstick

I should be finishing a 15-page paper right now about auxiliary chromosomes... whatever.

Spencer is married. No huge blowups or family meltdowns occurred that weekend, which was a miracle. I didn't get to run around the bases or sing karaoke, but that's okay. 

I'm applying to UTEP's Masters program in Public Health, with an emphasis in International Health and Border Issues. Sounds right up my alley, right? I cannot wait. I know absolutely no one in El Paso so it will be an adventure!

School is difficult, and I have two classes that I'm close to failing. I've never been in this position before, where a final can make or break me. If I do fail those two, Molecular Biochemistry and Genetics of Microorganisms, I will have to retake them in the spring = I won't graduate on May 9th. Once again though, God is control. If I need to graduate in August instead then that's what I will do. It will suck but I can handle it.

The lupus monster is kinda out of control right now, which is terrific around finals time... but maybe that is why he is disrespecting my body so much! Ha. I started on a low dose on methotrexate, which is a weird form of chemotherapy, and it should help me feel better... the week AFTER finals. Meh, I can deal, especially if I have plenty of strawberry chapstick on standby.

I got my senior ring last Monday, and my mom and little brother and friends from back home came to the ceremony. It was great. And as soon as I put the big clunker on my finger I finally felt some distant love for my future alma mater. It was strange. Tech is growing on me, which is sad since I'm about to leave.

I got invited to present at a conference in Denver in April, which I am so so so pumped about. I have never been up there so should be interesting. People keep telling me they think I belong in Colorado, so I guess I will see if I do in April!

I TALKED TO AMANDA BROCK today. She has been starving in the jungle for too long. I'm so glad she is back with a toilet and a working shower. Love you Mandy. And yes, it is true that I voted for John McCain, but only because Obama is okay killing innocent babies. That was the breaking point for me.

Alright, happy thanksgiving and merry Christmas everyone. Don't spend too much money on my present... :)

You are the light that is leading me 

to the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength that keeps me walking, 

You are the hope that keeps me trusting.

You are the life to my soul, You are my purpose, You are everything.

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?

Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, You give me rest.

You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall.

You still my heart, and You take my breath away.

Would You take me in, would You take me deeper now?

You're all I want, You're all I need, You are everything.

-Lifehouse Everything

L-O-S-T

No, not the show. 

After praying about CEM, picturing myself living in northern California (which I definitely can) counseling girls that have gone through so much pain and suffering, thinking/worrying about not getting paid for a year even with a bachelor's degree... that door has closed. It is an amazing program and the work they do is so important in the kingdom of God; however, if I am really trying to find God's will and follow it, I don't think it leads me to CEM. And I"m trying to be okay with that.

I wish I could be an EMT and work overseas for a year. Or work at Parkland for a year and live at home until I leave for med school. I'm not sure exactly what I want to do, and that sucks. And I need to figure it out before december 1st, when tons of grad school applications are due. That means I have exactly 2 weeks to decide so I have time to asks profs for letters of recommendation... go ahead and shoot me now! Actually that might work, if someone would shoot me in the left knee and i could go ahead and that one replaced and save me tons of pain! Ok, that's the new plan for now.

I'm ready to leave Lubbock/Tech behind, but not the people I know and love that will still be here after I graduate. I think maybe that's why this is so hard. I am having to decide this way before any of my friends are, and again, it sucks. But whatever, another lightbulb might turn on in my head and this time it will be God flipping the switch instead of me searching for a quick answer! That sounds mature right?

Oh, I'm not engaged/dating anyone right now. So, when I get the usual "Oh my, and you're graduating in May?" question/look, it is getting hard to not reply with an "up yours." But, I understand that my view of God, and His ability to not fit in people's little narrow-minded boxes, is so much better than what they think I should do with my life. Do I have to be attached to a member of the male species for God to do work through me? NO. Plain and simple. Thank you, Jesus, for opening my eyes to how much bigger You are than my lack of romance and inability to see why so many Christian women think they are incomplete without a man by their sides. And He is working on me so that I can talk to them without thinking how ridiculous they are and how they just don't get the glory of Christ. Jesus is working in me and I'm letting Him for once, which feels pretty good.

Study time. Biochemistry and Borders, Boundaries, and Militarization. I shall return after the wedding shenanigans and will definitely have stories to tell... get excited!

Becker

In my normal embracing insomnia routine, I turn on the TV... and Becker happens to be on. I used to watch this show with Granny when I stayed with her in Euless, mainly because my parents wouldn't let me watch it at home as a youngster with a morphable mind. I start remembering things from the past and everything I should've done in our relationship. Not go on that camping trip, with people I have no relationship with anymore, the weekend before she died. Drive the 45 minutes to see her instead of taking a nap or going to a stupid soccer practice. Share my testimony with her. Make sure she knew I had turned my life around. Tell her how many things we have in common and and how important I felt when I was around her...

Then I realize all these feelings apply to my walk with Christ. How much time I waste lying in bed watching The Office or rereading my favorite books instead of growing in my walk and increasing in my knowledge of Him. How I should tell Him what a great change He has made in my life, how I couldn't possibly be the same without Him. How He gives me purpose and importance in this life, even when being constantly hounded by those around me. How I should share my testimony no matter how much it hurts for me to tell it. How much time, in general, I've wasted in my life just worrying about what I'm going to do next.

I'm not going to make some silly promise that I'm changing all that business. I'm not naive enough anymore to believe that statement, especially when I think it. But I am going to start taking small steps to re-evaluate my walk with Christ. Let's start with the anxiety...

I graduate in May. I didn't feel right about applying to med school for this application cycle, so I'm waiting to apply until next October; therefore, I have exactly one year from May to do something with my life having a college degree. Of course, that is based on the fact that I will get into med school the first time I apply... which could be wishful thinking on my part. I have been looking at grad school, the Peacecorps, Journeyman, and other international mission trips that would last approximately a year or so. Then I found it- what I want to do with that year. It's like a light bulb turned on in my head and in my heart at the same time. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. if I had just trusted in Him the whole time, all this time worrying could have been spent furthering His kingdom... I'm such a loser!

So here it is... Christian Encounter Ministries. I was googling my options and it popped up Number One. Just reading the introduction gave me some goosebumps- no joke. I could intern here for the year, or for 9 months, if God wants me to. I think it would be awesome and would definitely help me in missions later in life. So, if you would like to pray for that, be my guest. It would be much much much appreciated!

Christen, I miss you. I wish I had enough money to come up for a visit but you know how college is on the money front. I'm proud of you for noticing God's plan might not include teaching for you. Thanks for having the courage to tell me that. It's refreshing that you can realize your degree might not be in something you actually end up doing for the rest of your life. I wish I had that strength! Lu and your hunky hubby! :)

I miss Amanda, but she is coming home sooner than I think. And Spencer's end of freedom happens in a little less than 3 weeks... wow. It is coming up soon... I hope I look good in that dress! That also means I will be home at that time, which I am super excited about. When I graduated high school, I was so ready for escape the confines of Mesquite, only to get trapped by the confines of Lubbock... I never would've imagined how much I welcome the site of the first Mesquite exit off 635. It is a joyous feeling for sure!

"That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2nd Corinthians 4:16-18

1954 counts as Vivíen's present-day reality.

Stella: Yeah, I can hear you now. Get out of my life, you perfectly wonderful woman - you're too good for me. Look, Mr. Jefferies, I'm not an educated woman, but I can tell you one thing: when a man and a woman see each other and like each other, they ought to come together - wham!- like a couple of taxis on Broadway, not sit around analyzing each other like two specimens in a bottle.

Jeff: There's an intelligent way to approach marriage.

Stella: Intelligence! Nothing has caused the human race so much trouble as intelligence. Hah! Modern marriage!

Jeff: Now, we've progressed emotionally.

Stella: Baloney! Once, it was see somebody, get excited, get married. Now, it's read a lot of books, fence with a lot of four-syllable words, psychoanalyze each other until you can't tell the difference between a petting party and a civil service exam.

Jeff: People have different emotional levels.

Stella: When I married Miles, we were both a couple of maladjusted misfits. We are still maladjusted misfits, and we have loved every minute of it.

Jeff: Well, that's fine, Stella. Now would you fix me a sandwich please?

Stella: Yes, I will. And I'll spread a little common sense on the bread.

I was born in the wrong era. Hitchcock speaks my language. Thanks Rear Window.

Back in Lubbock

After my amazing Guatemalan adventure, I have returned to Lubbock. School has started and, once again, I find myself stuck in a difficult position.

My life completely changed this summer, but certain friends of mine cannot accept the new me. I'm no longer afraid to stand up for myself and my beliefs, and they just don't understand how one month could change me so much. My fellow Guatemalan interns keep telling me that if the Lubbockites can't accept me I just have to move on; however, these friends have been placed in my life. I didn't go looking for them or ask God specifically for these people. Do I not have a responsibility to keep sharing my faith with them, even if they don't see me the same way as before?

In more cheerful news, Kent has started his freshman year out here and Tech seems much better with him here with me. I'm definitely glad my last year will be spent with him!

Back to the changing thing... This month in July taught me what true religion is... .and it happens to say it James 1:27

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

Doesn't that just sum up everything for me? Ridiculous that it took me traveling to a new country to find that out.

Guatemala!

I just finished my first week in Guatemala and God has already done amazing work in my life, and hopefully the kids' lives in Huehue as well. I posted some pictures on facebook, but for those of you who do not have one, I am placing the link right... here.

Bendito seas, Dios, en camino de gran dolor,
Aunque cueste cantar loor,
¡bendito seas Dios!

Tu das, tu quitarás,
Tu das tu quitarás,
Mi alma ha de cantar,
bendito seas, Dios!

I could get used to this being-in-the-right-place-at-the-right-time thing. Is this really happening? YES IT IS!

Summer has begun

Well, the MCAT is over and I think I am still in shock that I actually went through with it. It's pretty much the first adult-like step I have taken in my life, and that feels awfully strange. Whatever.

Caroline took me to dinner and helped me do my laundry to celebrate completion of the test! She is awesome.

Microbiology is fun. Kent and Mom come out here tomorrow for his New Student Orientation... he is all grown up! Aww my little baby brother!

Now that this huge test is off mind, my summer can commence and I can devote the rest of my energy to my trip to GUATEMALA! Ahh I cannot wait. That's an understatement.

Thanks to everyone who prayed for me concerning the test. I walked into the testing room completely nervous at first, like I'm-going-to-puke nervous, but I quickly calmed down. Your prayers truly helped me through this and I can never thank you enough. I'm sending my love to each of you... did you feel it?

Grey Fox: Smart choice in not getting that nonspayed, unvaccinated cute puppy. You should try the pot-roast thing again... it might be edible this time :) Lu and thanks for your, and your hubby's, support. Can't wait to book my flight to Virginia!

I get to leave Lubbock a whole week earlier than I thought... God never ceases to amaze me!

two posts in one month? NO WAY.

Okay, I would like to clear the air before I type what I want to say. I have nothing against women who feel called to be mothers and nurture their children and do not work outside the home. My mother is this type of woman, and I love her to death. She continues to help me in almost every aspect of my life. And those who say that being a mother is not like having a job, then they have never been a mother. Moms work just as hard as anyone else, but they don't get paid for it... at least monetarily. All of this to say, hooray for stay-at-home moms. I love each of you.

HOWEVER...
As a twenty year old, I am not looking to pop out a kid anytime soon. Heck, I'm not even dating anyone right now (praise God above!) so that opportunity seems to be limited. So when someone asks me "Oh, since you are graduating soon, are you engaged yet or already married?" what exactly should my reply be? I think, as sarcastic as I am, my reply was pretty gracious... "Well, I do graduate soon, but no I'm not dating anyone. Nor do I think I need to be at this moment in time. I have too many opportunities that a serious relationship could potentially destroy. But thanks for asking." Did that sound so bad? You would think I just called him/her the Antichrist by the looks I was given.

When did society decide it was acceptable for a man to graduate college as a bachelor, but not a female? Is my degree not valued as highly if I'm single when I get it? Why should I graduate and immediately plunge into marriage? Ha, I will barely be 21 when I walk across the stage!

Another thing: when talking to someone about their dreams and where they think God is leading them in their life, don't reply with "Oh dear, do you really think God would let a woman do that kind of work? Do you think He wants you to work instead of becoming a mom? When will you have time to raise your kids and take care of your husband? Are you sure you want to go to medical school, when you could find the right man, settle down and start your family instead?" Now, my response to this bombardment of questioning was to simply walk away. Which is better than what I wanted to say to him/her. Someone who still thinks the world revolves around the male gender and that women should get educated, but marry off and never use said education, is not worth my time.

What is the Christian view on this subject? Are women just as allowed to have careers and forgo starting a family as men are? Or is it a double standard because women are, by nature, the more caring of the two? Am I, as a Christian woman, socially accepted if I never marry and adopt my children instead of pushing them out myself? Should I, as this same Christian woman, care if I am socially accepted or not?


For an ending: No, I am not a man-hater. I have many great men in my life who I respect and cherish. Yes, I have accepted the fact that I might never marry and be pregnant with a biological child, but what kid would seriously want my genes anyway? Yes, I understand I am only 20 and God has something magnificent waiting for me... but why does this magnificent thing I am waiting for have to be a man? Why can't people accept that sometimes a person is called to do something (like international missions or medicine or a kindergarten teacher or a rancher or whatever) and they don't need a lifelong partner to be happy or to help them along during the journey? Right now, that's where I am. I don't feel called to be a mom like my Mom or my Memaw or my aunt Val or the countless other women in my life that feel that's what God made them to do. I guess I just don't understand why I'm considered taboo (maybe not that harsh of a word, but that's what it seems like sometimes) because I am choosing a different path to follow than the usual "go to college, find the perfect guy, and get married before you experience life on your own" deal. No thanks. I don't want it, regardless of how badly my friends do or that one my best friends actually did that, kinda (Ha Christen, you followed it all the way to Virginia!) I realize that God has set that path for people, and I fully support them if they feel that is what God wants for them. But I don't think I'm meant for that. And it's weird that I am at total peace with that. Right?

Sorry, really long. Just thought I would share stuff I've been struggling with recently! If I offended anyone, I apologize. Just had some honest questions about Christian culture and the equality of women in that culture. Whatever!

I'm only $800 away from completely paying off my trip to Guatemala... God has definitely provided for me, even though I was skeptical. So thanks to everyone who donated, from Hurst Texas to the Peruvian jungle!

Yay for summer school and Kent graduating soon!

MayDay!

So, this past weekend... Christen Walker became Christen DeBerry and moved 22 hours away from Dallas, so 28 hours away from me. I miss her, but her time for change came. It's weird for me, my first close friend to get married. Oh well, I knew it was coming I just didn't prepare for it! I love you Cwalk, uhh, I mean Cberry?

I changed my graduation date to May 2009. I didn't want to at first. Actually, I fought it like the plague or my 5th round of mono (yeah, I'm in the fifth round). But, after numerous talks with parents and close friends both here and abroad, I decided to move it back.

My application for med school opened today. Kent graduates June 7th. MCAT is June 13th. Guatemala is coming in July. Interviews for med school start in August. School is full-blown in September. I visit Christen and Eric in Virginia in October. Spencer gets married in October... ahh everything is coming so fast!

Lubbock isn't so bad. I'm actually starting to get used to the bad drivers and horrible wind and dust and hours from family. My guess: God is preparing me for where I'm going to med school. Right now, I have no clue. I don't even know where to apply. But He knows. And He knows where I will live, how I will pay for school, etc. I just have to trust those facts. And I'm working on it. I really am.

To my jungle friend: thanks. for making me tell you what was wrong. and sitting in silence on the other end of the phone instead of trying to tell me it would be ok. it's ok now. i just needed time. and some more God-given healing. i thought the healing had already happened, but i was wrong. so thanks, for prayers and silence and just being cool and learning two languages in a year. i'm jealous... can you tell? hah

I wish it would rain! Yay! Oh, I LOVE ASHLEY MILLER! are you seriously considering tech's nursing school? Man, just when I think I'm escaping this place, you and my little bro give me a reason to stay! :)

Finally

Time for an update...

The journey that just won't start... is about to begin.

I got asked to be a summer intern in Guatemala for Buckner International today. I gladly accepted. I leave July 10th and return August 9th, and I bet a million bucks I will not want to get on that flight back here.

It feels weird... I have been praying about leaving the country since my sophomore year of high school (five years, but who's counting?) and the prayer was answered today. Talk about God showing me who's boss.

Lesson learned: I can plan things all I want. I can pick my major, occupation, friends, etc. I can research mission trips and apply and get accepted, only to have them taken away by parents that I thought didn't understand where I was coming from. I can tell everyone I am doing this or doing that, only to be brought back down to the dirt at His feet.

I didn't plan this one. Didn't rush or tell tons of people. Didn't put so much emotion into the process. I prayed, applied, prayed some more. Made it through a hardcore interview. Fully trusted God to make things happen the way He wanted them to (the trust thing should be a given, but it's harder than it sounds). For once, my intense history didn't disqualify me from this experience. And only Jesus could have allowed them to look past the negative aspects of my testimony and focus on the one thing that truly matters: Christ is my healer, redeemer, saving grace, and ultimate forgiver.

Another awesome fact: my entire family is going to London for spring break! I can't believe I have waited so long to leave the country and now I get to go twice within five months. God is miraculous.

School and new medicine is kicking me hard lately, but I'm pushing through. I have even more incentive now to do so!

In case I don't get back here before May, I get to be in my best friend's wedding on April 26th in Dallas, right before finals. Should be an amazing/interesting time. Christen DeBerry... different, but a good different.

Life is changing fast, but I knew it would happen sooner or later. Thank goodness I have someone to turn to no matter what time of day to keep me on the ground and on track in life.